Sawyer
I sit in my pale pink beanbag, flipping through the magazine. Thoughts of the boy keep running through my head. I pick up my wallet and pull out the one dollar bill he handed me. "He touched this," I whisper, turning it over. But I spot something written on the back. I blink and look closer.It's some random numbers. It's..
Oh God.
I swallow, the room spinning around me. My hand shakes.
It's a phone number.
I dig in my purse and pull out my iPhone. I open up the phone app and hesitate for a few moments, and then take a deep breath and type in the first digit of his number. It makes a beeping sound effect, and I jump. I turn down the volume and enter the next couple numbers, and then the next few, until I've typed in the entire thing.
My hand hovers over the call button.
Should I?
Yes. I should.
I press the call button and hold the phone up to my ear. It rings a couple times.
"Hello?" says a familiar voice on the other end. "Who is this?"
"Uh.." I stammer. "Tracie. It's Tracie."
"Who?" says the boy, although I think I can sense a sort of understanding in his voice.
"Tracie. The girl at the mall today." I say, licking my dry lips.
The boy laughs. "Oh. You. The one with the cute nose."
My mouth falls open. Cute nose? Nose, of all things? Why not my eyes, or my hair? The things I worked hard to fix? "Excuse me?" I answer. "What about my... hair?"
I silently curse myself for dyeing my hair. "Oh. Okay then." I pause. "What is your name, anyway?"
"It's kind of stupid..."
"That's okay," I reply.
"Promise you won't laugh?"
"I promise."
"Okay then.." the boy pauses. "It's... Sawyer."
Sawyer! "I love that name!" I gush, before I can stop myself. "It's the name of one of my favorite characters in-"
"-Lost!" he finishes. "My parents named me after him. Even though his real name was James," he explains. "So you like that show, I assume?"
"Yes!" I say excitedly. "I love it! Have you watched it?"
"Yeah!" Sawyer exclaims. "I can't believe you recognized my name."
I blush, finally remembering that I'm only talking to a stranger. "Well..." I trail off. "I have to go."
"Bye, Tracie!" Sawyer says. "Talk to you later?"
"Yeah, I guess," I answer. "Bye."
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Sorry for all of the harsh judgement. I really LOVE all of your writing, but this story just didn't cut it for me.
She was stealing because she was trying to be popular and thought that maybe stealing things would give her some street cred.
They DO get in trouble, I just haven't written that part yet.
Her reason? Well, she's just tired of being unpopular and wants people to notice her. (I, for one, am FINE with being an unpopular weirdo.)
It's okay. Thanks for the feedback. And thanks for loving my writing. :)
I don't think this story was one of my best, either..
It's good, but not as good as your work usually is. I really don't understand what she was doing accepting a makeover from a random homeless guy in the first place. There are several grammar and spelling errors. Also, her mom would definitely recognize her. Even with the contacts, she would (at the very LEAST) think that the face was familiar. Also, how See More▼ does a quick makeover give a girl fashion sense? And why the heck was a random homeless guy giving out makeovers using equipment that cost at least $500 for just $100? And why weren't her parents at least a LITTLE mad that she'd gone out and dyed her hair and gotten contacts without even texting them?...
Also, she accepted the makeover because she was very desperate, and she wanted to be "undercover." She was worried See More▼ that someone from her school would see her getting a makeover if she got one in the mall or something. She wanted to have people think she was a completely different person (yes, I know I need to make that WAY more obvious).
And her mom was taking a quick glance, so she wouldn't recognize her.
And it didn't give her "fashion sense" - she just assumed it would.
Also, her parents were kinda mad, but she's a teenager, and they just assume it's normal for teenagers to do that.
Finally, can you please give me an example of one of the spelling or grammar errors? I read it quickly and didn't pick up on any.
She's 15-16, but I think I'll make her 16.
And it's fine. I've made that mistake many times before. :)
(But still, exactly how old is she? Is she a freshman or a senior?)
Looking back, I'm actually mistaken. I thought you misspelled a word, but it's actually spelled correctly. My bad.