Pain
I stand in line for the food court in the mall. My ankles ache from wearing heels all day, I think I have blisters on my feet, and my contacts are drying my eyes out. I lean down and rub my foot with one of my hands. When I stand up, I move forward in line. I study the menus."What will you be having today?" the cashier asks.
I drum my fingers on the counter. "Um.." I pause. "I'll have a small caramel latte, please." I place my five dollar bill on the counter.
The cashier grabs a cup and turns around, squirting jets of steaming black liquid and milk into the cup. Then she faces me and hands me my drink. "Here you go!" she chirps, a cheesy smile on her face. "Have a nice day!"
I give a fake smile back. "You too!" I exclaim. I take a small sip of my coffee as I walk away, making a face at the bitter taste. Then I spot a magazine stand. I head on over.
The guy working at the stand looks to be a couple years older than me. He has wavy brown hair and pale skin. He's not that "hot." He smiles at me - a real smile.
I smile back and study the magazines. "TeenStyle!" is written in pink bubble letters on the cover of one. It shows stars like Sabrina Carpenter and Shawn Mendes. I grab it and lay it on the counter, inconspicuously checking the guy out. His eyes are big and brown, and freckles polka dot his cheeks. He's wearing a loosely fitting video game t-shirt and khaki shorts.
"I'm wearing heels!" I exclaim indignantly. When I look up, he's grinning and handing me $1 back. I glare at him, but give him a half-hearted wave as I walk away.
I leave the mall and go to my car. It's a sleek blue Subaru. I climb inside and lock the doors.
"He's cute," I say aloud, heart pounding. Then I stop myself. "No, he's ugly. Kylie and the others would not approve of him. He's too pale and scrawny." But I can't keep myself from picturing his chocolate-brown eyes, soft hair, and shy smile. "I don't care what they think of him," I say. And that's true.
"I care what they think of me."
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Sorry for all of the harsh judgement. I really LOVE all of your writing, but this story just didn't cut it for me.
She was stealing because she was trying to be popular and thought that maybe stealing things would give her some street cred.
They DO get in trouble, I just haven't written that part yet.
Her reason? Well, she's just tired of being unpopular and wants people to notice her. (I, for one, am FINE with being an unpopular weirdo.)
It's okay. Thanks for the feedback. And thanks for loving my writing. :)
I don't think this story was one of my best, either..
It's good, but not as good as your work usually is. I really don't understand what she was doing accepting a makeover from a random homeless guy in the first place. There are several grammar and spelling errors. Also, her mom would definitely recognize her. Even with the contacts, she would (at the very LEAST) think that the face was familiar. Also, how See More▼ does a quick makeover give a girl fashion sense? And why the heck was a random homeless guy giving out makeovers using equipment that cost at least $500 for just $100? And why weren't her parents at least a LITTLE mad that she'd gone out and dyed her hair and gotten contacts without even texting them?...
Also, she accepted the makeover because she was very desperate, and she wanted to be "undercover." She was worried See More▼ that someone from her school would see her getting a makeover if she got one in the mall or something. She wanted to have people think she was a completely different person (yes, I know I need to make that WAY more obvious).
And her mom was taking a quick glance, so she wouldn't recognize her.
And it didn't give her "fashion sense" - she just assumed it would.
Also, her parents were kinda mad, but she's a teenager, and they just assume it's normal for teenagers to do that.
Finally, can you please give me an example of one of the spelling or grammar errors? I read it quickly and didn't pick up on any.
She's 15-16, but I think I'll make her 16.
And it's fine. I've made that mistake many times before. :)
(But still, exactly how old is she? Is she a freshman or a senior?)
Looking back, I'm actually mistaken. I thought you misspelled a word, but it's actually spelled correctly. My bad.