The Boss and the Demigod [Sephy x Amy]

The Boss and the Demigod [Sephy x Amy]

Amy, Daughter of Hades, feels broken after her brother's death. A member of a band invites her to stay with him while she recuperates. Hilarity and dorkiness ensues.

published on March 10, 201628 reads 15 readers 23 not completed
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Chapter 2.
A Meeting, a Home

A Meeting, a Home

        The young demigod had never intended to go to a concert like this one. Popular groups of males singing and dancing were...not very interesting to her, not in the slightest. And yet, she found herself in the first row of a concert by Big Bad Bosses. She supposed it was fairly entertaining, what with the synchronized dancing and hair flips. And the boys WERE attractive, if one considered turtles and scientists to be attractive.
        She sighed. Nothing seemed to reach her anymore, not since L... She shook her head. Better not to think about something that would only lead to more of her tears. Unfortunately for her, one of the singers (who had quite a lovely face, she had to admit) reached out a hand to her in between songs, and he tugged her onto the stage as the music kicked up.
        "Now what's your name, cutie~?" he murmered.
        "Um...Amy," she replied softly.
        "Nice name, kid," he managed to say with a smirk, then he raised his microphone to his lips and began to sing.
        {Maybe you've heard about me, all in the news today~ I'm kind of legendary in the most destructive way~ I have a secret hideout; I've got the fancy
        swords; I've got a bone to pick with all generic demon lords~}
        Amy took in the performer's silver hair, his bright blue-green eyes. He was strange-looking, but she reasoned he was the most normal-looking one in the band. He moved closer to her than before and put an elbow on her shoulder, one foot crossed behind the other.
        {Open a dictionary, turn it to mastermind. You'll see a picture of me with my other boys in line!}
        He stepped away from the slightly flushed girl and turned around, flicking his hair a bit.
        {I'll burn your village and I won't even look behind}
        At that point the singer backed into a pose with the other three men, whom he began to dance with in synch. They all joined in the song for the chorus.
        {I need not be kind~! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm very very sorry for your loss!}
        The four reached out their hands in unison during the last line, and she felt as if they were truly sorry she'd lost her brother.
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! And just in case I didn't get my point across: I'm the boss.}
        With the final sentence, the performer who had a spiky turtle shell on his back stepped forward and took the next solo. The silver-ette grabbed amy's hand and started to twirl her around a bit.
        {-of a whole 'nother castle, ain't no princess in sight. Ain't nobody gonna come and find me; I got mad reptilian pride.}
        Turtle-back turned around and pointed at his shell.
        {If you wanna step in my kingdom I've got a real nice surprise, ain't nobody see me coming even if you got special eyes.}
        He stepped back, a bald scientist taking his place.
        {Even if they gotta run up on me, I got tricks and traps and bait. If you got big plans for later better tell them you're gonna be late.}
        On the back of the stage, something had projected images of cages during the scientist's verse.
        {I got a personal private army made out of a bunch of mice, and rabbits and foxes. Now isn't that so very nice?}
        Amy felt a weight on her shoulders and looked behind her, only to see a flash of silver hair and two arms lazily slung over her.
        {Why must I sit here and explain how I'm gonna take control?}
        He flashed her a sideways smirk as the scientist began again.
        {Everyone wanna roll on me get thrown on the ground}
        He pulled her back to the others for the second chorus.
        {Cause we don't mess around!}
        It struck her as odd that she was still onstage. Wasn't it normal, in times like these, to only keep an audience member up for a few lines of lyrics?
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm very very sorry for your loss!}
        She felt his foot nudge hers slightly, and what she saw in his eyes was something she never expected. A warning. A warning to do what the band was doing. She almost felt afraid of the bright-eyed singer, who had something strange and dangerous about him. That was why she forced herself to sing along with them, quietly.
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! And just in case I didn't get my point across: I'm the boss.}
        The repeat caught her very off-guard for a moment, and she was silent, not knowing what was happening.
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm very very sorry for your loss.}
        She knew the next bit, however, and chimed in again.
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! And just in case I didn't get my point across}
        They stopped there for an unknown reason, and a tall, regal-looking male stepped forward. Silvy (as she now called the strangely flirtatious male) pressed a fake - but very real-looking - sword and shield into Amy's hand and pushed her toward him.
        {Will somebody put out that racket; if there's trouble you're bound to attract it. G-Cash my moves are so practiced, like a phantom, watch while I smash
        this}
        He threw a punch at her, which she just managed to block with the shield.
        {Fly honies to my room like it's tragic, don't make waves, silence is magic. If there's a fever imma damn well catch it. If there's a record imma damn well
        scratch it.}
        The kingly figure grabbed the sword and shield, tossing them away. Turtle-back returned, and the silver singer pulled her backwards.
        {Yo, check out my mad flows! Not this minion, gingerbread cornrows. Everyone here knows I'm the Nero; Stopped one, two, three, four heroes.}
        Silvy poked Amy's nose with each of the four numbers. She waited patiently for the next singer to start, who turned out to be the scientist.
        {Ronik don't even need a step; I engineer beats like Imhotep. Players run when they see me on the mic check: I got spikes that'll make a dude's life
        rekt.}
        Quickly, suddenly, she was pulled back to the front of the stage. Teal eyes bored into her own, and a hand carressed her cheek.
        {Hey ladies, I'm Sephy~ Give me your digits, phone's getting heavy~}
        'So, that's his name, huh? Sephy? What kind of name is that? It sounds like a cute nickname his girlfriend would give him,' thought the demigod. Sephy gave a smirk.
        {I'll pick it up, you can see what we start; I might just break your heart~}
        He backed off, leaving Amy a blushing mess, and rejoined his bandmates.
        {Ain't never easy, being sleazy, but I get by.}
        The regal man stepped forward once again.
        {I'm in my element when I make a baby cry.}
        He backtracked and out came the scientist.
        {If you ever try to cross me there'll be hell to pay!}
        All four joined together for the last time.
        {So stay out of our way-}
        "You know what? Don't," said the king. "Cause..."
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm very very sorry for your loss!}
        Amy had joined in again by this point. 'To hell with it, this is kinda fun!'
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! And just in case I didn't get my point across I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm very very sorry for your loss! I'm the boss! I'm the
        boss! And just in case I didn't get my point across}
        She was dancing in a circle with the guys, doing her own thing but still keeping in time with them.
        {I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm very very sorry for your loss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! And just in case I didn't get my point across: I'm the boss.}
        The music cut off quickly; the audiance immediately got to its feet and clapped and whistled and howled in delight at the performance.
        Sephy stepped forward, taking a breath as he did so. "That's gonna be our last song for tonight. We wanna think all of you for coming out here, and I personally wanna thank this lovely young lady-" he motioned Amy to stand next to him and put an arm around her shoulders "-for coming up here to sing with us." He turned to her now, and she saw the genuine smile on his face. "Do you wanna introduce yourself cutie~?"
        His comment caused a small blush to appear on her cheeks, but she ignored it and spoke. "Well, my name is Amy and I've always wanted to work as a detective with my older brother. I never really stayed in one place for long; I moved around a lot. I even went to Japan once, just to see my brother." She brushed an annoying strand of black hair behind her ear. "My brother...he's a really smart guy. For example, I never planned to actually come here, but he'd gotten tickets for it a long time ago and I decided to come, because he said I'd have fun if I came. And I guess I did." A small smile spread across her face.
        "Well alright then, that was a little life story~ I have to say, though, you're a pretty girl, and you have a good set of pipes~"
        She was taken aback and silent for a moment, then recovered smoothly. "I'd say the same for you, it's the truth."
        He let out a hoot of laughter at her response. After handing the microphone off, he leaned in closer and whispered in her ear: "You look like you could use a good meal. Meet me at that burger joint across the street, my treat."
        About ten minutes later, she sat across from the silver-haired male in a comfortable booth. A plain cheeseburger and side of fries were in front of her, the former half eaten and the latter being stolen by her new friend.
        "Please stop that." she said.
        Sephy laughed. "Sorry, they're really good. This place makes the best."
        Amy nodded in agreement, then went to thinking. 'If he noticed I was hungry, he either does this kinda thing a lot or he's genuinely concerned. Then again, he IS a showman, so he's probably not showing his real personality. He acts really flirty and isn't trying real hard to be attractive, except for the amount of time he spends brushing his hair. Maybe he's just being really nice, since he doesn't seem to notice anything too weird about me, but then again he's going out of his way to get me fed and the only thing odd about me he could see is my hunger. Plus he picked me out of that crowd to come onstage and kept me there for the whole song, then straight up introduced me to everyone else that was there. Maybe he knows I'm a demigod? Nah, I doubt it, he's gotta be mortal. No weapons in sight and no comment on mine, so he can't be a half-blood or a god. From his current posture he's happy to see me eating and getting some nutrients back, and his expression is relaxed so he probably doesn't know that a monster could show up at any time. Why would he get me a meal, though? I'm not a well-known anything, at least among regular humans, and a member of a famous band shouldn't be taking any interest in me. I guess he could be a spy for the Romans or something, but he shouldn't have that kind of time and being part of a band like his is a horrible cover for a spy. He's acting easygoing yet flirtatious, like a bad boy character should. I doubt he's trying to woo me or win me over, since he doesn't have any flowers or chocolates or anything else like that.' She concluded he was simply trying to help someone in need, and just in time it seemed: the young man began speaking again a few seconds after.
        "So, who exactly are you?" he asked. "Where did you come from?"
        She tilted her head thoughtfully. "Well...I spent a lot of my time in Long Island. But not exactly most of my life, more like...I've spent more time there than I have anywhere else. Like I said before, I've always wanted to work with my brother."
        "Who is he? What's his name?"
        "Hm...you'd know him as L. But before you say anything," she paused. "He's not the one who's working currently."
        Sephy raised an eyebrow - a very nice eyebrow, if she was honest. "Currently?"
        "See, he...it's kind of like a job, or a title. My brother was the first L, but someone else took his place for...reasons."
        "What happened to him?" His voice was suddenly softer, more soothing.
        "He...he was working a case in Japan. I was with him. We were investigating a series of deaths of criminals, deaths caused by heart attacks." Amy took a deep, shuddering breath. "It turned out someone was somehow causing the heart attacks to occur and my brother knew who it was, but had no proof. Near the end of the investigation, the killer had handed off whatever he was using to an accomplice, and my brother...he...he was killed. He died in the arms of the one who had robbed all those criminals of their lives, and there was nothing I could do..." She looked down, blinking back tears.
        She felt her companion's hand on her own, reaching from across the table. "I...I'm sorry..."
        "It's not your fault, it's just...really hard. I looked up to L like...like only a sister could, I guess. And then he was gone." The ravenette shook her head. "For a while after that, everything was just a big blur. I remember trying to kill the killer and failing, then meeting a group of adults and one kid and joining up with them, but that's about it. After some point I woke up in some castle in Quebec, and life with the group went on. We travelled around a lot, and fought a lot. Not just between ourselves, but with other people we met along the way." She realized she'd been talking for a long time, and looked up. "S-sorry, I was rambling..."
        "No, don't be. You're a good storyteller," Sephy said. She could see in his eyes that he meant it, and felt a small shred of hope deep in her heart.
        That shred disappeared when the male grabbed another French fry off her plate. "I thought I told you to stop that."
        He laughed as he had before. "Ah, come on toots. You know it's hard to resist the call." Suddenly, he leaned in closer and in a much lower tone, continued. "So, mind telling me what's with that knife on your waist?"
        She froze, dumbstruck. "You...you..."
        "What is it, Celestial bronze or Imperial gold?"
        "Bronze. Who's your parent?"
        He leaned back again, crossing his arms behind his head. "Both are mortals. I'm just lucky. How about you?"
        Amy narrowed her eyes. "Why should I tell you? It's none of your business." Then she thought. If she didn't tell him and denied everything that had to do with the gods, he might leave her here to deal with the consequences of dining without having money, possibly harsh disciplinary measures. "...you won't believe me but...Hades." She felt a cool wind blow through her hair, and a sense she'd done something horribly wrong.
        The man across from her only nodded. "Underworld kid, huh? Never met one before. Then again," he added thoughtfully. "I've only met a few demigods. They don't come to concerts much."
        "Most don't even leave Long Island or the Roman camp in California very often. It's dangerous for us."
        "Apparently. But your dad's one of the Big Three, why are you all the way out here in Manhattan when you're in even more danger?"
        The black-haired teen looked to the side. "It's not that simple. Before, I had someone to help me. Now...he can't."
        Sephy could see she would not go into further detail. "I get it. But why'd you end up at a boy band's concert huh? You don't seem like the type."
        "Like I said earlier, my brother had wanted me to." She took a deep breath. "I want to honor him however I can. The day he died..." The girl assumed a proud pose, her chin jutting out and her head held high. "The day he died, the world lost a great man. I lost more. And I want to be a sister he could be proud of."
        Her companion nodded thoughtfully, then glanced at her plate and saw she was finished. "Hey, if you need a place to stay...I've got plenty of room at my place. Tonight was the last show we're doing for a while; we're taking a break so all of us will be going home."
        Amy's gaze snapped to his, her eyes wide. "...you...you're offering...to take me in?"
        "Well, yeah. There's room and it's not like I couldn't afford it."
        "How much...how much would I have to pay you..?"
        He shrugged. "Not money, I don't need that from you."
        Her tone was insistent. "Then what?"
        "I guess you could clean around the place and stuff. And serve food at parties."
        "...I'm not a barmaid, Sephy."
        The silver-haired male let out a loud, short laugh. "No, not like a waitress or anything! Like, you know how at most resteraunts they give everyone a glass  of water before taking your order?"
        She nodded.
        "That's what I mean. Just getting the general stuff out for people."
        The girl considered her options. Going to live with a stranger was one of the things people warned children never to do, but she wasn't a child anymore, and the other option would most likely lead to poverty and hardship. "I guess...yes. But a few conditions."
        "Name 'em."
        "If anything attacks, let ME take care of it. We DON'T talk about demigods or anything related when there's someone else there. And l swear to all the gods if you refer to us as in a relationship it'll be a long fall to Dad's kingdom."
        Sephy smiled and winked. "Conditions accepted." He stood and pulled out a wallet, then payed for her meal and led her outside. "Since you're coming, we need to stop somewhere to grab a couple things. That okay with you? It'll only take an hour or so."
        "Alright," Amy said. "Where are we going?"
        "Oh, you'll see," he replied with a smirk.
        She did see, a few moments later, and wasn't pleased in the slightest. "Mount Olympus?!" she hissed during the elevator ride to the 600th floor of the Empire State Building. "Why in Tartarus would you need to come here of all places?!"
        The male shrugged. "It's the only place to see the god we need. Come on, it won't be long."
        "I don't care how long it'll take, I care how I'm going to survive! I'm not exactly welcome right now!"
        "Don't worry, cutie. We'll just be in and out."
        As they crossed a small bridge high above New York, the young teen was awestruck by the floating mountain. By all logic and science, it shouldn't have been possible for a chunk of rock that large to exist, let alone stay in its place in the sky. Yet it did, by the magic of the gods or something else, she didn't know. Beautiful architecture jumped out at her, and she realized it had all been built recently, within a decade before, following the designs of Annabeth Chase, a daughter of Athena. It felt impossible, that so much had happened in such little time, but this was the way of the gods.
        "What god do we have to see, exactly..?" Her voice sounded smaller than normal, at least to herself: the sheer largeness of the city seemed to shrink her down to a microscopic size.
        "Hermes. I need to get something from him," Sephy replied. Amy noted he seemed much more at ease in Olympus than she; his current posture was one of a successful demigod returning home from a quest. A few minor gods waved at him and shouted hellos, and he gave a wink to some young goddesses sitting near a fountain. They giggled and fanned their faces as he passed.
        "Well someone's popular," the girl muttered.
        The throne room of the gods loomed ahead, glaring at her. She reflexively stepped back, but Sephy linked his arm through his and tugged her through the doorway. Twelve enormous chairs sat in a semicircle around a central hearth, where she saw Hestia tending the coals. The goddess looked up and waved a little, her brown cloak still covering her hair. Gigantic figures occupied four of the chairs: Apollo, god of music and the sun; Poseidon, god of the sea; Hermes, the messenger god; Zeus, the king of gods and lord of the sky.
        Amy felt pressure and pain on each of her knees, and looked down to see them knocking together. The teal-eyed male next to her rubbed her side with his elbow ever so slightly, but it did nothing to quell the fear within.
        "Amygna, Daughter of Hades," came the booming voice of Zeus. "Why have you come here in fear? Have you seen your errors?"
        She tried to speak, only to find that her throat seemed to be glued shut. Sephy came to her rescue, sensing her trouble.
        "She's just tagging along today, I needed to come get some shoes from Hermes and we're on our way to my place."
        "And you have the audacity to assume she would be welcomed?"
        The young man shrugged. "I don't know much about her. Thought you wouldn't mind her just passing through. Guess I was wrong."
        Hermes stood and shrunk to a more human size of ten feet tall. "Let it slide this time, Father. I expected him to appear today with a girl, though not this one in particular." Sephy nodded in agreement.
        Poseidon spoke as well, with a voice like ocean waves. "Besides, brother, she doesn't seem to have known she was coming."
        "But was she not warned to never return to this place?" the sky god questioned. "Hades agreed as well."
        Apollo, having been watching the conversation with interest, raised his hand and, at a nod from the king, opened his mouth. "I vote she should do a little task to prove she's worthy to walk away alive."
        "Wh-what k-kind of t-task would you s-suggest, my lord?" Amy asked.
        "You should sing us a song." Cue groans from the other gods.
        "And how would that prove anything? She has betrayed the truce between my brothers and I." Zeuz boomed.
        Hermes, who had given two small boxes to the silver-haired human by this point, raised his voice in agreement to the archer. "Hades has said she rarely sings but would do so in an emergency. A life or death situation."
        Poseidon nodded, and the sky god ruefully sighed. "Then, Amygna, sing."
        It struck her like a hammer, that this was how it would end. Forced to humiliate herself before the only person in years to be kind to her and two of her uncles. She did not commonly listen to the radio, or CDs, or what was on the internet, and so had almost nothing at her disposal, and yet...a verse leapt out at her. A chorus. She stepped forward, head high, and opened her mouth.
        {I was young but I'd always known the barren desert that I roam. You could never understand how it feels to be alone.}
        Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her mortal companion raising his eyebrows, a half-smile turning his face into something lovely.
        {But I was meant to rule this world, you best say goodbye. And now you're standing in my way and I need my room to...I need my room to fly!}
        As she sang, she felt her fear melt away a bit. Not much, but it was noticable enough for her to move her hands to different positions in a small dance.
        {Now I don't mean, to alarm you but these toys are far too much for you. Now I aim to take what is mine and there's only one thing left to do now.}
        A small smile appeared on her face.
        {It resonates, I'll take it all. You're just in time to see the fall. You heed the everlasting call, now you've lost it all. Called you the hero of our time; you're
        just a thief, took what is mine. Our fates were always intertwined, and soon you'll find that I will be your queen!}
        She stopped, catching her breath, and heard applause. Apollo was enthusiastically clapping for her, fortunately in the ten-foot-tall form. She was thankful; she'd rather not die from her cousin's loud appreciation for a performance. Poseidon was nodding slowly, and Hermes gave a wide smile.
        Zeus held up a hand to quell the sound. "Normally I would disregard a puny half-blood's desperate cries for help. However, since my sons and brother seemed to enjoy your little song, you may go free. Do not return unless in you are summoned, and stay out of my airspace."
        Amy bowed her head. "Th...thank you, my lord."
        Apollo caught up to the two after they left the throne room. "Amy, dear, you have the voice of one of my Muses. I would sincerely love for you to join us. I can tell you won't right now, but if you ever find yourself in dire straits, just remember you have an offer of immortality and an eternity of music."
        "I...um...thank you, Apollo." Most gods, she knew, would take none too kindly to being called by his or her name by a lowly demigod. But with Apollo, she felt it was fairly safe to assume he wouldn't vaporize her for it.
        He nodded and beamed her a smile. She toke note of how bright his teeth were against his tanned face. "You know what? I'll get you guys some ice cream, you deserve it." And not long after, the demigod and the human were sitting on marble steps, licking ice cream cones. Amy had mint chocolate chip, and Sephy had opted for vanilla.
        "This stuff's pretty good," he said.
        The girl nodded. "Made by Olympus' finest."
        For a while they sat there, basking in the sunshine until the last of the waffle cones were gone. The silver-haired male stretched. "Well, we better get going. Zeus won't be happy if he finds us sitting here."
        Amy agreed. "Yeah. But where are we going, where's your house?"
        She saw the smirk on his face as he held up the boxes from Hermes. "I won't spoil the surprise for you, but to get to my place, we're gonna need these." He pulled a pair of tennis shoes from one of the boxes. Nothing much was remarkable about them. Unless, of course, one counted the small white winge just above the heels.
        "Oh. No. God no. I am not putting those on."
        "Yes you are~" Sephy said in a teasing tone.
        "No."
        "Yes."
        "No."
        "Yes."
        "No."
        "No."
        "Yes- wait no!"
        "You already agreed~"
        "God dang it Sephy." He laughed, then handed her the shoes and put the other pair on himself. She laced up her new shoes and stood. "So...how do you turn them on..?"
        "Just say maia." As he said it, the wings on his shoes began flapping, and he rose about a foot into the air.
        She was still, of course, a bit suspicious, but she spoke the word and sure enough, her shoes flew her up. "Woah..."
        "I know, right?" Sephy laughed a little, then took her hand and began to guide her through the basics of magic flight. It was harder than she expected, but they were off within a half hour.
        The ravenette marveled at the sight of the clouds speeding by beneath them, and the cool air. She barely noticed the slight lack of oxygen, and soon they reached the castle in the sky.
        It was large, but appeared to be made of glass rather than stone, and had many pointed spires. 'It's like...a castle...made of ice...' She couldn't quite say what was keeping it from falling, but a creeping feeling told her it was probably a god's power. The two alighted on a small balcony, and Sephy opened the door. Amy walked through, him following after shutting the door behind them.
        The inside was somehow even more beautiful than the outside. Light glinted off every surface in just the right way, unhindered in its path, as there was nothing on the walls: no paintings, posters, pictures, or inspirational messages. The only thing in the large room was a chair-sized throne, made of the same material as the rest of the castle. A large window stood behind it, closed and locked. Amy could see the ceiling, all the beams that crisscrossed the way up to it, and she could see the tunnels branching off from the room, stairwells making a way to get to them. There were no railings, she noticed.
        "Well..." Sephy started. "Welcome to my place!" He spread his arms in a way the showed off everything behind him, and he was slowly walking backwards before he came to a stop, sitting on the throne casually.
        "It's..." she paused to look for the right words. "Unique. I guess I don't really like that it's up here in the sky, but...I like everything else I can see."
        "Great!" He leapt up, his feet not even hitting the ground because of the winged shoes supporting him. "Come on, I'll show you the spare rooms."
        He led Amy up to one of the tunnels - which despite the ragged-looking openings, she said to herself, were smooth-walled and roomy on the inside. It opened up into a normal hallway, along which there were quite a few wooden doors. He opened one of them and gestured for her to enter.
        Inside she saw a normal bedroom, with a bed, a nighstand, a desk, a dresser, and a door to what she assumed was the closet.
        "Make yourself at home, cutie~" he said. "Just one thing: you're gonna have to guest star in some of B3's albums. Good night~!" And with that, he shut the door, and the young demigod was left in her new home.
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Comments (23)

Caddette
No Problem! I'll be looking forward to seeing you improve further as well as make more works!
reply
Kanya888
Thanks! ?
reply
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on March 22, 2016
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Eli is maximum level of Chode rn
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Kanya888
I just want him to leave me alone.
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Kanya888
Thanks : )
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Yeah well! Just keep writing, and don't mind him.
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on March 22, 2016
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on March 22, 2016
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
What made you think this was a good idea?

I mean, it's literate, I guess but just, why?
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Kanya888
Hey, um, could you tell me some of the run-on sentences? If they're from the point when Amy is thinking, that's just her thought process, but I have a feeling there are others.
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Kanya888
Yeah, I'll PM you in just a sec.
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Also! Do you have any way to PM you? I have to ask you a question, but I don't really want it in the open for CERTAIN people to see.
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on March 22, 2016
Kanya888
Exactly.
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Yeah. I usually don't take those to heart, as they aren't giving any valid reasons to criticism.
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on March 22, 2016
Kanya888
I am ehen there's actually specific things a person says are wrong. Unlike when someone (cough eli cough) says to write better.
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Alright. I'll write the list shortly. I'm glad you're willing to take criticism.
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on March 22, 2016
Kanya888
Okay, thanks! I'm making a second chapter right now so I'd like to try and fix things...
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
I'm a bit busy right now. But when I have to chance, I'll read through them and compile a list.
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on March 22, 2016
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on March 22, 2016
Kanya888
Um...I thought it'd be fun?
I swear to God if you're Eli...
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Kanya888
I don't really care at this point.
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on March 22, 2016
Zalnak
Actually your talking to Jayce this is me Eli
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on March 22, 2016
Kanya888
Okay, thanks!

But technically, this is really a different character who's just a flirty version of Sephiroth. Someone apparently thought it'd be funny.
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Alright. That's fair enough. I understand. Though, I do recommend you break your habit of run on sentences, I'd proofread alot and look for mistakes or repetition to make your stories more clean.

I'd also recommend in a kind advice that you be careful on which characters you write about without knowledge, as there's alot of people that would be very insulted See More▼
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on March 22, 2016
Kanya888
Eli's this guy I know who's hell-bent on messing with my head.

I'm sorry it's bad, I'm kinda new at writing and I mostly just wanted to get it done so I could do other things. But see, run-on sentences are something I do a lot and it's kind of a habit...
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on March 22, 2016
Caddette
Eli? I'm not entirely sure who that is? I'm guessing someone else who complains about these stories?

Overall, I'm not trying to be too rude. My constructive criticism is that it's very poorly written overall, tons of run on sentences and repetition in words, and though I can't fault the Sephiroth being OOC due to it not being the actual character Sephiroth, See More▼
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on March 22, 2016
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on March 22, 2016
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on March 22, 2016