Skinny.

Accepting Ana.

I stand in front of the scale we have at my house. I'm actually scared to get on it.
But I get on anyways.
116 pounds. I've gained weight.
I can hear Ana telling me I'm worthless the way I am. I have to be better, perfect, skinny.
I go to my computer and search on Google.
I type in "how to be skinny" and hit enter. I scroll through different pages, videos, until I get to a website.
It's called Pro Ana - Anorexia Is Good.
I click on the link, and start scrolling through the different posts. There are tips on how to not be hungry, how to starve myself, and "thinspirations." I scroll through the pictures of teeny tiny girls, and feel envy coursing through my body.
One of the posts says this: "If this is your first day starting fasting (starving), than you should eat a LIGHT dinner. Try something with low calories. And tomorrow, don't eat. If you're feeling hungry, eat a Tum (the heartburn relief tablets.) Tums help mask your hunger BUT BE CAREFUL! Each has about 5 calories."
Everything about this intrigues me.


It's been three months since I've accepted Ana. My body image is getting wayyy better. I'm now 100 pounds. But I have to go lower.
I started starving myself, and I actually like the hunger pains.
I walk downstairs, where everyone is eating dinner. My mom looks at me when I come in, and my sister eats silently.
"Are you going to join us?" Dad asks. His deep voice intimidates me, but I have to refuse. I don't want to be fat again.
"Umm..." I hesitate. "I ate earlier," I lie.
"Well, at least come sit with us," Dad says. I nod, and sit beside Kacey, my sister.
I shiver under my Under Armour sweatshirt.
"Mel..." Mom starts, looking at Dad nervously. "Your father and I are getting concerned."
I cock my eyebrow.
"Honey, why haven't you been eating?" Dad asks.
"What are you talking about?" I demand, my face growing hot.
"You haven't eaten dinner with us in a while. It's always 'I already ate' or 'I'm eating at Callie's.'"
"Whatever," I say, crossing my arms.
"Do we need to start weighing you?" Dad demands.
"What? No! I'm FINE!" But a small part of me believes that maybe what I'm doing is wrong. But Ana is stronger than that part, and she makes me shove that away.
"Then EAT. NOW!" Mom says, loudly.
I shove a forkful of broccoli into my mouth, and instantly regretting it. They force me to eat an entire plate of food, and after dinner, I run about to my room and cry.
I rush to the bathroom, and stand over the toilet. I told myself at the beginning of all this that I would ONLY starve myself, not make myself puke. But Ana is upset with me, and she wants me to get rid of it.
So, I pull my long brown hair up into a ponytail, and fall to my knees in front of the toilet. I do it very quickly. I shove my fingers down my throat, but it's not working. I push my fingers further, until all of my food is coming up. I keep doing it, my body aching with every retch that comes out of me. But I have to keep going.
When Ana finally is satisfied, I sit back up. My throat burns, my body hurts, but Ana is happy. So, I am, too.