letters to myself

i miss the best friend i never had

when i think of a best friend
there's nobody who comes to mind
all my friends have their own best friend
i'm just the last person people want to be around

maybe i did have one, once
but now she's gone
and wants nothing to do with me
she sits 2 desks away from me
never even said "hello"

i miss her, but i don't think she misses me
i always called her my best friend
but i knew it wasn't true
that there'd always be someone else

i've never had a friend close enough to call a best friend
or share secrets
or even trust

everyone eventually leaves me
it must be me
i'm just unlikeable
rude
petty
over-emotional
over-attached
ugly
my own friends say so

when i was in the hospital
i disappeared from the world
in the 6 days i was gone
not one of them bothered to make sure i was okay

i bet you're thinking, leave those friends
but who will i have then?

i've got a true friend
but he'll never be my best friend
he's got other people
more important than me

i long for someone to love me
for someone to tell me they love me
and for them to really mean it
even if it's just as friends