Scary Stories (2)

CRAZIEST

I live for the Triple-Triple.  The word CRAZIEST spanning two Triple Word Score squares, with the Z falling on the blue Double Word Score, using no blanks.  The score is 3 + 1 + 1 + (10 x 2) + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 29 x 9 = 261 points + 50 points = 311 points.  This is the current single highest scoring acceptable play in NSA club or tournament history.  It was played in 1996 at a club in Detroit, Michigan.

I've always felt that if the universe were to give me a chance at a Triple-Triple, it would be a giant nod, the higher powers giving me a cosmic pat on the back, and saying 'go forth and spread the word' — SCRABBLE is a religion.

I don't mean this metaphorically.  Well, no more than all religions are metaphors.  I'll tell you how I found my religion.

I always believed that all letters were NOT created equal.  I mean, they all are obviously important, but they clearly don't all have the same value.  Look at Q.  It's not even in the word CRAZIEST.  A novice would assume that the highest score would involve a Q.

When I was a child, I thought that each letter had its own personality.  Back in 1984, I was 21, a senior at Cornell.  It was four in the morning and the coffee was strong, even bitter.  But after the first cup, I liked the bitterness.  The bite made me feel alive.  On the radio, a bass-voiced man on some public radio talk show droned on about Jewish mysticism.  He said something about how numbers had meaning and God speaks to everyone, and it clicked for me.

I had the first of two, almost three, religious moments.  SCRABBLE is the oracle.

I got out the board.  It had been my mother's.  I held the smooth tiles and then, like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby, it all came together.  I pulled out the dictionary and laid it, thump, on the table.  I found words that had 9 letters or less.  I added the numbers.  I figured out the sweet sixteen… 16 words you could make if you have a Q, but no U.  Words like QAID, a Muslim leader, or QANAT, a system of underground tunnels, or SHEQEL, an ancient unit of weight in money.

What was the board trying to say?  What did I need to know?

I missed my finals.  It didn't much matter.  I no longer needed a degree to give my life meaning.  I was the new Joan of Arc.  A few days later, the second epiphany came to me.  Life is a game of patterns and chance, and those who play well will win.

I joined the National SCRABBLE Association.

I tried to talk to my father.  Not to get his approval, but to bring him joy.  After all, he is the father of a seer.  That must mean he's chosen to.  He thought I had a nice hobby.  He was happy I was making friends.

Hobby?  Friends?  Sometimes I think we're not even related.

My mother died when I was 13.  She was in the wrong place at the wrong time — a stray bullet.  We never talked about it.  My father checked out after that.  He sent me away to a girls boarding school.  I guess I reminded him of her.  I buried myself in books.  I lived in words and numbers.  I tired not to come home because it just made him sad, and I had found a life.

Letters and numbers danced in my head.  Before I'd fall asleep, my number and letter friends would act out little plays for me.  They'd comfort me and make me laugh.  I had no human friends.  I don't think anyone even really noticed me.  Why should they have?

I don't remember playing SCRABBLE before I joined the NSA, and as I said, I didn't really have anyone to play with.  I was under no delusion that any of the members of the organization would know that they held the oracle.  I had been chosen to tell them in good time.  But what a happy surprise it would be.  They would be ahead of the game.  The others would have to learn the game.  And those poor impaired souls, like the dyslexics, well, they'd have a harder path.

I was prepared and up to the task.  I always felt I had a lot to give.  The NSA taught me the rules, and I played game after game.  After each one, I would copy the board into a notebook so I could define the true meaning.  I have over 1,700 notebooks, and each tells a tale as meaningful as the bible.

The books are layered in in words and numbers, but the message is clear.  Life is patterns.  Learn the rhythms, the repetitiveness, and when you have that down, when you can recognize the beat, life will change.  It will shake you and turn you on your ear.  SCRABBLE will give you clues to the future, but very hard clues.

After I won the National, I gave a speech.  I spoke like a cross between Alex Trebek and Jesse Jackson.  I was inspiring and motivating, clear and instructive, I gave them just what they could hear and not too much.  I told them about patterns and chance.  They were on their feet.  NSA members are not known for their wild behavior, so this was something.

Nonetheless, I could see that they weren't ready to hear that they were chosen.  I was waiting for sign — the Triple-Triple.

In retrospect, I could see that I didn't handle things well.  I was playing Albert Hahn.  We'd been playing for about 13 minutes when I saw my chance.  I had the letters C, R, A, Z, I, E and T, and I had the opportunity.  The board was mine.  The gods were saying, 'now is the time to tell the truth'.  I would place my tiles and make my speech and everyone would know.  I was trembling.

Albert was placing the S in the word ADIEU when he grabbed his chest and killed over.  This man was 53.  His heart was so bad he shouldn't have played.  The game was called.  I never laid down my tiles.

Let me say at this point, I am not insane.  I have an IQ of 167, and I figured this out.  I'm not using, nor have I ever used drugs.  I know what's going on.  I know my rights.  I have a permit for this gun.  God speaks to me through SCRABBLE.  Don't you see?

BANG!