The Life of A F*ck up

A Letter You'll Never See

I am going to just jump in and start off deep here is a letter I wrote for my father. . .
A Letter You'll Never See,
        I often think about you, I try to pretend like where I am at is not killing me on the inside. That is my problem, I push it all back and maybe one day I will explode. I try to pretend like when I look at you I don't see the pain in your eyes burning through me. I have become very numb, drowning my pain in small things like drinking so much i forget who I am, or taking so many pills I am barely existing. I often feel hallow, some days it kills me others it is the only thing that keeps me going. For example, I have learned to hide so much that no one knows what I am thinking. It is like I am not truly existing in anyone's life, I am there but easy to forget about. When I get close to someone I make sure to slowly distance myself so they will not even realize how I faded back out of their life. Leaving my self constantly alone.
I go through the motions in the most monogamous way, I am a human truly lacking depth. I am boring, just a pale face on a tall pretty girl. In all honesty I hate every ounce of my being, the way I look, how I sound, the way I carry myself, the list goes on. . . But with lots of thinking I have concluded most people just see me for my outer appearance, so for some crazy reason that slightly keeps them around. I am silent, rarely muttering the courage to stumble out a few words. All I am is a girl with a pretty face, one who is easy to push around and will agree with anything to you say to insure peace of mind. It is f*cking exhausting, but it is life. It is what you have taught me. I am truly sorry I could not be this way towards you, that I was so strong willed and defiant that I f*cked up our relationship.
I was angry and now I am exhausted. I am over it all. Logically I see no point in showing you this because it would do more damage than good and at this point I am just rambling. Since you will never see this I figured why not go hard. A year ago this would have just been a huge "f*ck you," but now it is mainly just a "I am hurting so bad and I don't know what to do than write." I wish you could see all the pain you have caused me, that you would stop playing the victim.
You shattered my whole world and now I am attempting to rebuild it; knowing that the way I am choosing to put it together would make you sick. I am sure you hate the person I have become, I try not to care. Some days it is easy and I fully embrace myself and do whatever I please. Other days I get sick because I know everything I am doing you would disapprove of. I wish I could push out all the toxic thoughts that you pushed into my mind so i could just live how I wanted. Live freely and happy but I can't. I wear a outfit that shows a little skin and in my head i can hear you telling me how I am degrading myself and a whore. In all honesty you don't even know the extent of it, I have turned myself into the person you told me I was. I have sex with men I don't even know, i get so f*cked up I can't even see. I often see people come into my job with their families and they are so happy, I envy how they have someone to rely on. Meanwhile I am barely standing because I haven't ate all day but I am smiling. Trying to be as nice as possible but I am falling apart.