no more pinof : (
and my therapist just cancelled on me I’m having a hard time
and my therapist just cancelled on me I’m having a hard time
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
kinda important things i want people to know about borderline personality disorder
1. "I hate you, don't leave me."
BPD makes everything very black and white. I either love something, or I despise it intensely. And it often flips depending if I get triggered. I go from loving my mom, to wanting to p much kill her in SECONDS. Something as simple as her asking about my homework is enough to trigger me into hating her. Now, she is abusive, so another example. I love my best friend, See More I never want them to leave me, but they might do something that pisses me off, so I never want to see them again, but I don't want them to abandon me. It's very hard to explain.
2. I have intense fear of abandonment
I CANNOT be left alone. This doesn't mean I'm overly social, or a crazy extrovert, I could very much be shy and introverted, but if you leave me alone, leave me on read, or ignore (real or imagined) me, I will do everything in my power to "win you back", even if never intended to leave me in the first place.
3. I'm too much for myself sometimes.
I often dissociate, or have "out of body" moments. it's like watching myself do things that maybe I don't want to do. I don't have true control over myself, it's like watching a movie in first person, but maybe I have a little control? it's hard to explain. This usually happens when I get overwhelmed so much or so stressed by something that I literally separate from reality to protect myself. For example, when someone yells at me (extremely triggering for me) I separate from myself to literally stay sane
1. "I hate you, don't leave me."
BPD makes everything very black and white. I either love something, or I despise it intensely. And it often flips depending if I get triggered. I go from loving my mom, to wanting to p much kill her in SECONDS. Something as simple as her asking about my homework is enough to trigger me into hating her. Now, she is abusive, so another example. I love my best friend, See More I never want them to leave me, but they might do something that pisses me off, so I never want to see them again, but I don't want them to abandon me. It's very hard to explain.
2. I have intense fear of abandonment
I CANNOT be left alone. This doesn't mean I'm overly social, or a crazy extrovert, I could very much be shy and introverted, but if you leave me alone, leave me on read, or ignore (real or imagined) me, I will do everything in my power to "win you back", even if never intended to leave me in the first place.
3. I'm too much for myself sometimes.
I often dissociate, or have "out of body" moments. it's like watching myself do things that maybe I don't want to do. I don't have true control over myself, it's like watching a movie in first person, but maybe I have a little control? it's hard to explain. This usually happens when I get overwhelmed so much or so stressed by something that I literally separate from reality to protect myself. For example, when someone yells at me (extremely triggering for me) I separate from myself to literally stay sane
hey, if you ever need someone, I think you still have my number if you need to call or vent. I know exactly how this is and it’s the worst feeling in the world and feeling like you’re alone is the most ass part about it.
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
feeling really impulsive rn
like, i wanna do drugs and have sex and spend all my money
gotta love bpd
like, i wanna do drugs and have sex and spend all my money
gotta love bpd
ik what you mean, but don’t
find something bad to do, think hard about the severe consequences, and then don’t do it
find something bad to do, think hard about the severe consequences, and then don’t do it
on December 19, 2018
@aeipathy
it's weird,, i just have moments where i want to obey every rule and just get through life, but sometimes i feel like this and i want to get fücked, get fücked up, fück up my bank account, and throw a toaster in the bathtub
it's weird,, i just have moments where i want to obey every rule and just get through life, but sometimes i feel like this and i want to get fücked, get fücked up, fück up my bank account, and throw a toaster in the bathtub
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
somebody please talk to me
anyone ,,, please
anyone ,,, please
i dont think you’ll be a failure
we aren’t close so it probably doesn’t mean anything from me
and i understand
first, why are you afraid to survive? is it the suffering part???
we aren’t close so it probably doesn’t mean anything from me
and i understand
first, why are you afraid to survive? is it the suffering part???
on December 19, 2018
it just kinda occurred to me that i'm not scared to die, i'm scared to survive what i do
like, the only thing stopping me now is my fear that i'll live
thats fücked up haha
like, the only thing stopping me now is my fear that i'll live
thats fücked up haha
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
@aeipathy those things just aren't,, big enough? ig? idk if that makes sense
i live for other people
the only reason i didn't kill myself all those years ago was bc i didn't want my family to be upset
i live for other people
the only reason i didn't kill myself all those years ago was bc i didn't want my family to be upset
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
I'm crying.
I got a 64 on my maths final.
My teacher bumped my grade to passing but this proves that I'm not smart enough to do well in school
Being real, i have a plan to kill myself when i get home from pasadena on january 2nd
so I'm checking into the hospital that day
so ig i'll be mia suddenly for a week or two after january 2nd
I got a 64 on my maths final.
My teacher bumped my grade to passing but this proves that I'm not smart enough to do well in school
Being real, i have a plan to kill myself when i get home from pasadena on january 2nd
so I'm checking into the hospital that day
so ig i'll be mia suddenly for a week or two after january 2nd
I'm probably transferring schools next semester bc i can't succeed at my school
no more band. no more guard. no more friends. just school.
no more band. no more guard. no more friends. just school.
on December 19, 2018
on December 19, 2018
i can’t do this anymore
every fücking day of my life I’m asking friends to stop me from killing myself and their probably tired of it and annoyed with me
every fücking day of my life I’m asking friends to stop me from killing myself and their probably tired of it and annoyed with me
Buddy it's not my place to say but your parents don't exactly sound like the kind of people you want to listen to
And lying to protect yourself does NOT make you a bad person.
And lying to protect yourself does NOT make you a bad person.
on December 17, 2018
on December 17, 2018
You're not a failure. I can promise that I've done worse things than you. Besides, you're what, like, 16? You have your whole life ahead of you to turn around. As far as being a bad person goes, literally what makes you a bad person? What have you done that's so bad?
on December 17, 2018
on December 17, 2018
You deserve to live a long, happy, prosperous life. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love you.
on December 17, 2018
on December 17, 2018
stopstopstopstop
my brain is telling me to do things i don't want again
the voices won't go away i want to go away
my brain is telling me to do things i don't want again
the voices won't go away i want to go away
Focus on the homework. It's good to get your mind off of hallucinations and back on reality. Stuff like homework is especially good because it requires you to think.
on December 17, 2018
You can also try simple activities like drawing, colouring, listening to music, watching youtube or TV, etc.
on December 17, 2018
I know it doesn't seem like you are, but you are. You have more control than you think. Tell the voices to go away and focus on what you know is real. You are real, I am real. Find something you can hold onto and focus on like a stuffed animal or a rock.
on December 17, 2018
on December 17, 2018
on December 17, 2018
dan and phil just uploaded a video where they talk openly about liking boys, and play a game where they “date” boys and never make a joke about being single.
ngl,, dnp are hella gay
ngl,, dnp are hella gay
on December 17, 2018
okay I’m bored so
Ask me any question, no matter how serious or weird and I have to answer honestly!
It’s currently 6:30 PM where I am
By 6:30 PM TOMORROW this will end
Ask me any question, no matter how serious or weird and I have to answer honestly!
It’s currently 6:30 PM where I am
By 6:30 PM TOMORROW this will end
@aeipathy bimch u are too
my question is.....
whats ur favorite color :>
my question is.....
whats ur favorite color :>
on December 17, 2018
on December 17, 2018
reminder to not go on tumblr tomorrow for ANY REASON
@orbit bc tumblr is banning all nsfw content which is really bad for artists, creators, and they are banning and tagging people as nsfw for no reason.
this is also extremely bad for sex workers
this is also extremely bad for sex workers
on December 17, 2018
on December 16, 2018
on December 16, 2018
on December 14, 2018
last band practice b4 we go to california!!
rose parade here we come ??
rose parade here we come ??
@chesspacito ooo that'd be so fun! i wish i could've done it but they went the year before my freshman year :/
on December 14, 2018
on December 13, 2018
I went from anti-ddlg/b to being VERY INTO IT
on December 13, 2018
my brain is telling me i want to die but i so desperately want to live
does this make any sense
does this make any sense
on December 13, 2018
so like. in Bohemian Rhapsody (the song), freddie was all like, “I don’t wanna die, but sometimes wish I’d never been born at all}
so like that?? or. different
so like that?? or. different
on December 13, 2018
like,, i don't want to die... i just don't want to be alive.
there's a big difference but i can't explain it
there's a big difference but i can't explain it
on December 13, 2018
on December 13, 2018
