Wolf Lights

Trauma in a Nutshell

I've always been shy. People think I am a creep or something. Well, at least I think so. All I've ever wanted is to fit in with the "cool kids". But no, not with my looks. I have long, brown hair with green eyes. My nose might not be the best shape, I might have bags under my eyes from reading until all night, but I'm no different than any other person. Well, what can you do when everybody in 7th grade doesn't notice you, or even bothers to find out a bit about you? I used to have a friend when I was in Grade 2, but she left for Norway. Now I have no one. I run downstairs and pick up my bag. My mother calls from the kitchen. "Aren't you gonna have breakfast?". I answer with a grunt. This seems to be the form of communication I use towards my mother. I used to be close to my mother until dad landed himself in jail. He assaulted a guy apparently. The guy went to hospital, but he didn't make it through the week. So that would mean that my dad killed him. He's been in jail since I was 10. He never loved me anyway. All he used to do was go out with friends and ignore me and my mother. He only came home if he had nothing to do and all he ever did was eat and lie around. So, that's some of my traumatic childhood in a nutshell. As I was saying, my mother and I don't have a close relationship. She tries every day to talk to me, but what's the point? My family has a reputation for being unstable. My grandfather died when my mother was born because he took too many drugs. My uncle is in therapy, my aunt is depressed, and my grandmother used to be an alcoholic. So why should I have a close relationship with my mother, when I could lose her just as fast? I distance myself from relatives because I don't want to end up like them. I know that if you have problems that it doesn't mean you don't deserve to be loved, I guess I'm just scared.

Scared of everything.