Be ConcernedI lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, there wasn't much else to do here. Domicsonarla Medical Centre, why it had such a weird name I would never know yet I speculated it was the surname of somebody important to the institution. Why did I let them catch me? Stupid, stupid, stupid, I repeated that word over and over in my head. I made myself so angry that my heart rate must have jumped up drastically because my nurse ran in panicked. "NATHAN! Are you okay?" She was puffed out from running to my room and she sat down next to my bed when I nodded, gesturing that I was fine, "I was just thinking about...stuff." I elaborated for her. "What were you thinking about? Whatever it was it really got your heart rate up." I refused to say any more and she sighed nodding weakly, "You have been through a lot, I understand that you don't feel comfortable talking about it to me but I do recommend you see a therapist, you're lucky that you're still quite young, these wounds will heal fairly well and your body is still able to keep up with your bad habits but a few more years and it will be damaged and you will end up very sick." It was now my turn to sigh, I went back to looking at the ceiling.
This place was horrible. Everything was so controlled and repetitive. The pure whiteness of it all was offensive and I just wanted to be out of there. The only exciting thing that happened was my nurse's hourly visit. I must admit that it was slightly embarrassing because I had forgotten her name and didn't have the guts to ask what it was.
It wasn't long after this that the nurse left. It had been a fair while since the incident and I didn't have to put in much effort to get myself discharged. As I went to walk out the door the nurse from earlier came up to me and pressed a business card into my hand "He will be able to help you, I know, my best friend, Josh, works as a receptionist at his clinic." With this, she turned on her heel and went back the way she had come.
As I walked down the street I contemplated my choices, I could go back home, hope for the best and probably end up a wreck again, drinking my troubles away until I realised what I was doing and then using even worse methods to deal with my problems until it killed me or I could take the nurses advice and go to, I quickly glanced at the business card, Dr Urie's clinic. The nurse had been nice enough. I decided to give her friends' boss a shot. I turned down my street and rummaged through my pockets for my keys.
I never found those keys but luckily I kept a spare set under a rock. I leant down and grabbed them. Once I got inside I saw for the first time how bad the aftermath of my episode had been, Joel and Benji obviously hadn't been here since they rushed me to the hospital, I'm sure they would have cleaned up a bit if they had. I went straight to the bathroom, shattered glass and blood still blanketed the floor, a small amount of alcohol was mixed in with this, in all honesty, it hurt me to look at it.
I stood in front of the mirror examining myself. I moved my straight razor to my face and fixed up my beard. Ow! Blood began to trickle down from where I had nicked it, I quickly went into the toilet and got some paper to put on the minor wound, I'd done worse to myself before, much worse. Hopefully, that would be my only stuff up for the day. I slipped into some jeans and threw on a band print t-shirt. Metallica, great band. I made myself some eggs for breakfast, I skipped the bacon though, pigs taste pretty shit in my opinion. As I walked down my driveway I deposited all my alcohol onto my neighbours' doorstep with a Merry Christmas card next to it. It was 5 months until Christmas but I'm sure they wouldn't care.
The clinic looked quite nice, from the outside at least. Amazingly it was just as nice inside as it was outside. I was greeted by a young guy who seemed to be around my age. "Hey! How can I help you out today?" He was awfully cheerful for someone who worked at a psychiatrist. I walked towards the desk, "I'd like to book an appointment with Dr Urie." The receptionist nodded and handed me a clipboard with a form on it. I made my way to the waiting area to fill it out. When I passed the form over to the receptionist he skimmed over it and smiled, "Sarah said you might be coming in." I looked at his name tag, "Oh, you're Josh, your friend mentioned you to me whilst I was under her care." His smile widened at this. "Brendon doesn't have any appointments until later today so you can probably go right in." Josh pushed himself away from the desk and rolled over to a phone. He had a brief conversation on the phone and gave me a thumbs up, gesturing for me to head on in.
I wandered down the hallway, there weren't many rooms so it didn't take me long to find the correct one. I knocked hesitantly. "Come on in Nathan." A voice echoed through the door. I opened it and walked through. "Take a seat." I followed his request and sat down on the cliché therapist's couch. "My name is Brendon Urie, you can call me Brendon from now on." I nodded, beginning to get nervous. Why was I doing this? My hand went straight to my scars, something it always did when I was stressed, I suddenly remembered why I came here. "I'm Nathan." Brendon smiled and shook my hand. "Josh gave me some of the basics about you, so you're 25 this year?" I nod. "Nice, are you planning anything?" I shake my head "Not yet." Brendon just nods. Okay, so, I was thinking we just use this session to get to know each other, is that okay with you ?"
"Well, I guess we'll start with your childhood, where did you grow up, in Bolovask?"
I shake my head. "No, I was actually born in Australia, my family came here when I was 14."
"What were your first thoughts of it here in America?"
"I hated it and I still believe that Australia is better."
Brendon laughs at that. "Understandable, have you got a partner?"
I shake my head and he smiles "Neither do I, she recently dumped me for a football player, so much for brains over brawn." He managed to get a smile out of me with that statement. "You look young for a psychiatrist." I remark. He nods "I all honesty I've only been in the business for a year. Don't worry though, I know what I'm doing." Sure. Well, the nurse seemed to have faith in him so I guessed I better trust her judgment. Brendon looked down at my shirt "Metallica, nice! Favourite album?"
"It'd have to be Puppets."
"Master of Puppets is my favourite as well. What other music do you like?"
"A lot of rock and metal, I also like a bit of rap."
"Do you play an instrument? I sing a bit"
"Nice, I play the guitar, mainly electric."
The session went on like this for some time, exchanging trivial information about ourselves. Eventually, he glanced at his watch "shit, alright. We don't have much time left, when do you want to come around next? A few days?" I nod "Alight then, I'll see you Wednesday 16th of the 4th. 1pm I guess." I got up and he waved me goodbye. Josh's voice called out to me as I walked out the building "How'd it go?" "Great!" I lied, I don't think I'd ever been that bored in my whole life.
Two days later I made my way back to the therapists. Josh was still friendly but not as energetic as yesterday. I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. "Perfect timing, Pete just left, Brendon will be out in a minute." I sat down in the waiting area and picked up the first magazine that caught my eye, Kerrang! I was about to open it when Brendon walked out. "You're up Nathan!" I put the magazine down and walked into the room. "How have your last few days been?" I uncomfortably tugged on the sleeves of the hoodie that was masking my fresh cuts "Good."
It's very late...or early...either way, it was 5am, I had not drunk since the incident but that didn't stop my demons from coming over. I twirl my straight razor in my hand remembering the blood that had trickled down my face. Blood. The blades spinning ceased. Blood. It wouldn't be bad. I did this all the time. What harm would a few more slits do? Yea. I'd been good.
"You seem nervous."
I shrug. He looks me deep in the eyes "It was colder on Monday." He leans forwards and gently pulls up my sleeve. "I'm your therapist now, you should have told me." He sounded genuinely worried about me. "It's nothing to worry about. It was a one-off, a junkie's last fix."
He tried to talk to me, he tried to help, he really did but I shut him out. I refused to let him in. Nobody would get in, not now, not ever. If I let anybody in I'd have to look at those suppressed memories as well. I was snapped out of my trance by Brendon's sigh, "Come back tomorrow, same time as today, we will talk about this then, after you've had time to reflect and prepare yourself to talk to me...if anything happens, call me" he quickly jotted down a number and passed it to me. I nodded my thanks and left. Once again Josh's voice called out to me but I ignored it.
I guess that session hadn't gone well. I felt sorry for him, from what Sarah had told me he'd had a bad time growing up. I decided to tell Brendon everything I knew.