Chapter 1: HerI swung my legs over the side of my bed. It was even harder every day that passed. I suppose you could argue that it’s my ‘fault’, but I don’t see it as a ‘fault’ at all. I don’t like that my body is heavier every day despite being lighter, but I haven’t committed a ‘fault’. Only a cause. Luckily, no one’s tried to disagree with that notion. Though it’s necessary to note that no one’s agreed, either.
I was lucky enough to wake up way too early and get out the door before the lights in my parents’ room even turned on. Well, good. If they were awake, I would have been pestered and the disgusting cereal would have been shoved down my throat one choke-worthy spoonful at a time. Good thing I got lucky. The cereal really does make me nauseous around mid-morning if I eat it too early. That’s why I don’t.
The bus is a hell. I went and walked. Walking’s better, anyway, for a bunch of reasons I can’t be bothered to run through again. One of them, though, was getting to procrastinate feeding my friends lie after lie. My friends. Did they even count as friends by that point? Probably not. I lied to them every day and hoped they wouldn’t ask extra questions. They offered me poison, I declined. They tried to kill me over and over and I had to lie my way out of it. A beautiful situation. My closest friends in the whole wide world, exchanging poison and lies. Exchanging the things I endured every single day…
Regardless of my stalling, I arrived at school in time to ‘talk’ to my ‘friends’ before class started.
“He~ey! Lookin the same as ever, I see…!”
“Did you even eat breakfast today?”
“I don’t eat breakfast so why would she?? She eats even less than I do…”
Their voices trailed away, at least from my perspective. Of course, they did keep talking, like they always do, but I wasn’t listening anymore. Their quasi-concern faded into playful bickering as always, and even though it was still supposedly about me, it was really about their games. I stopped mattering, so I stopped being there. Mentally, anyway. Physically comes later. I have honestly no regrets about disappearing from that conversation. I know what they were saying. Their words sliced me like a knife, but I’d dulled out the knife before coming to school. By then, they were just mild annoyances. Who cares about them anyway? Dull knives are useless.
“You should eat lunch today, Lie.”
“Please don’t call me Lie. My name’s Allie.”
“Whatever, Allie. You should eat lunch today.”
“I’m not hungry. Besides, it’s way too crowded to go up there and get food. I’m not dealing with all that.” I spoon-fed her the lies…
“Well, whatever, it’s not my life.” She ignored me for days after that. Even though I was never sure why, I was grateful that one less person would be nagging me.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I was my own stereotype. Thin-ass white teen girl, afraid of food, afraid of pounds. At least I’m not blonde and super popular. That’d just be too cliché to bear. I never hid in the bathroom, crouched over the toilet, crying. I never posted pictures of paperthin girls with black and white filters to Tumblr. Admittedly, I have searched for those photos, though… Sure, I’ve pushed away friends and family and let my own damn mind ruin my life but I’ve taken control—taken control—I have control. That’s what I tell myself every goddamn day.
The moment I got home I threw all my stuff down and went to lock myself in my room like I always do. Homework aside, I never do it anyway. I have Ds and Fs in most of my classes. It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to graduate. I chanted those words over and over in my head. I won’t I won’t I won’t I—
I went to bed early. The world flowed and fluttered away once again. I closed my eyes. I don’t want to wake up… I don’t want to wake up… I don’t want to wake up… I want to stay asleep, or disappear entirely. I’d never say it aloud, though. I’d never admit it to myself or anyone else.
Then it’d feel real.