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Fiery flames of hair, jumped around my shoulders. I was running away from the catastrophic ending I was about to endure. The street graffiti seemed unusually bright against the dim dusky dimness of the city. I speed up to get around a corner, with the pounding footsteps lurking behind me. A bright flash of light went through, unregistered beneath my minty green irises.

-"Mom!" the six year old me with auburn curls screamed, as my mothers crystal eyes went glassy, dull and lifeless, blood spilled from her mouth dripping onto the tiled floor below. red spotted, wallpaper matching the torn, bloody, dirty curtains.-

A shriek broke through the chaos somewhere near me, Torturous screams rose from the graves in the near distance. Flames leaped stupidly around my face, like they were trying to escape murk in a dark room, as I sprinted to the locked silver old fashioned graveyard gates. I love the graveyard, It's the only place the ghosts won't follow me.

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Answers (9)

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sialjoans
I hope I was helpful.
SillySantaSausage
Thank you so much!!! You see I have to enter this school competition soon. You are amazing!!!
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sialjoans
You're welcome! ^^
And thank you. Good luck on your contest.
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on April 14
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on April 13
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on April 12
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sialjoans
*Flames leaped stupidly around my face, like they were trying to escape murk in a dark room, as I sprinted to the locked, silver old fashioned graveyard gates.
sialjoans
Too many adjectives are a bit hassling. Try to moderate your use of them.
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on April 12
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on April 12
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sialjoans
*A shriek broke through the chaos (somewhere near me). Torturous screams rising from the graves (in the near distance).

Repetition = bad.
on April 12
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sialjoans
*"Mom!" the six year old me with auburn curls screamed, as my mother's crystal eyes went glassy, dull and lifeless, blood spilling from her mouth and dripping onto the tiled floor below.
sialjoans
*The red spotted wallpaper matched our bathroom's torn and bloody, dirty curtains.
(I added "our bathroom's" because I didn't want to repeat the word "the".)
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on April 12
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on April 12
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sialjoans
A bright flash of light went through, unregistered beneath my (minty green) irises.

This is not a correction, but a suggestion.

It's really strange if the protagonist describes herself in this way. Who thinks like that?
"I blinked my chocolate brown eyes"... it's just weird.

When describing your protagonist, make sure it fits the situation.
A girl on the run wouldn't randomly think about the color of her own eyes, right?

A more suitable way to reveal these facts would be See More▼
on April 12
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sialjoans
*I speed up to get around a corner, with pounding footsteps lurking behind me.
Putting "the" in your sentence in this case is incorrect.
on April 12
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sialjoans
The street graffiti seemed unusually bright against the (dim) dusky (dimness) of the city.
Repetition = bad.

Solution: either eliminate one of the words (they aren't exactly necessary) or replace one by a synonym.

Example: The street graffiti seemed unusually bright against the dusky dimness of the city.
on April 12
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sialjoans
(I was) running away from the catastrophic ending (I was) about to endure.
Repetition is bad. Try to replace one of the "I was" for something else.

Example: I was running away from the catastrophic ending (I didn't want) to endure.
on April 12
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sialjoans
*Fiery flames of hair jumped around my shoulders.
on April 12
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