Is this good writing?

Story: "Shes such a vampire." Isabella whispered to her best friend Kate. "She should be in a mental hospital." Ben said a little too loudly, glaring at the little girl sitting on the plastic bench, staring at the ground, with her red eyes flickering over bumps in the cement, as if reading every secret message they had too offer, oblivious to the whispers travelling around the playground and taking flight. Suddenly the bell sprang to life, silencing everyone and making them scatter off to there separate classes. Raven slowly rose from her seat and stumbled to her next class, her clumsiness apparent as she staggered into the classroom with her head down to try to hide herself in with the crowd of bubbling kids, alas it didn't work. her classmates fell silent quickly noticing her presence.
Shortly the teacher told them to split into pairs, in the end Marie ended up having to go with Raven, and made a big deal about it. "I don't want to go with vampire girl!" She screamed at her friends, as she discovered that Raven was the only on left without a partner.
After school she waited for everyone to leave the classroom, finally she stumbled upon the exit. as she left the grey walled building her ears felt as if they had they had decided to join a rocket ship, and blasted of to space, on a mission to land on the sun. Clumsily she lifted up her left hand on the side of the road, to haul a taxi. as the world fell silent behind her the taxi driver caught sight of her and drove off, aggravating her. she twisted around and hurried over to a seat. pulled her phone out of her pocket and skimmed over the keys, her gangling fingers getting in the way, as the few children that were still there, glared at her, obviously distrusting her with every bone in their body. shortly a car pulled up and yelled at the black haired girl to get in the car, Raven tossed her phone in her bag and hurried towards her fathers car. and chucked up the silver door open, climbed in and slammed the door shut, causing a drastic silence to overtake...

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Answers (4)

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Skiesofjupiter
Yeah it's good, it just needs a few adjustments.
1. Check the grammar. There are a few mistakes here and there
2. On the sentence 'Ben said a little to loudly' you should have less commas and maybe make it into two or three different sentences.
3. Try not to use the word 'said' it's very bland. For example 'Ben sneered a bit loudly, causing the girl on the other bench to glance over and catch his holtile glare.'
If you want or need any more advice I'm here, but other than that See More▼
19 days ago
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AngelicPhoenix
Yeah, but when they're different speakers make sure the audience knows they're different speakers.
SillySantaSausage
K thx fr the input!
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25 days ago
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26 days ago
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Helpless
Yes. It's very interesting. :o
SillySantaSausage
25 days ago
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26 days ago
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Yamilettethehedgehog101
Yep :3
SillySantaSausage
Yay!!! Thx for commenting
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Yamilettethehedgehog101
26 days ago
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26 days ago
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26 days ago
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