Chapter 22
“Will your mum be home?” Leo asks as I lead him up the broken steps to my house.“No, everyone’s out, wedding planning or some stupid sh*t like that,” I wipe the sand off my feet, glad the routine is still stuck in my head.
“Wedding?” Leo comes up beside me after wiping the sand off himself. “What wedding?” I guess I never told him, never occurred to me.
“Clara and Nate…” I take it upon myself to end the conversation there, not wanting to say any more on the subject. Thankfully he catches my drift. We walk in carefully, shutting the door behind us. I haven’t had the house to myself for god knows how long. Before the island I was considered unsafe to be left home alone, a title which makes me feel sick to my stomach. I shake off the thought back into the dark corners of my mind and turn to Leo, smiling. “Welcome,”
Leo walks around the house with a sense of familiarity and it takes me a moment to realise he’s been here before.
“It all looks so different when there’s no party,” his eyes scan the benches that would be lined with food upon food during parties and the booming music is replaced by calming silence. “It’s… nicer,” I nod. He walks up to me and only now do I realise my heart is beating fast, so fast in fact that I may puke. I’ve never really been alone with a boy. Especially not a boy I like! I mean, sure, Ethan and I have been alone before but there was never this intense feeling in the air. Lost in my own thoughts I don’t see that Leo has walked right up to me, his breath so close I can feel it tickling my skin. My eyes reach his and at first my instinct is to pull away as I see the expression in his eyes. An expression I saw frequently in my fathers. Guilt.
“Esmerelda,” he whispers. I stand there, frozen. Not sure what to think. Not sure how to think. No one has called me that in years. Most people don’t even know Esme isn’t my full name. The only people who know are… my family… my dad. My dad called me Esmerelda. “I… know things, things that you should know too, things about your dad… things about us. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you everything but no one else has, and I think it’s time,”
Leo walks me to my room and sits me down on my bed, placing himself next to me, carefully. What does he know? I admit I don’t know an awful lot about my father, or why he left. As far as I know it’s because I was born and got in the way. Or at least that’s how he made me feel. Most people don’t remember much from their early years, especially from when they were two, but I don’t think I could ever forget. Leo grabs my hands tightly, as if once he lets go, I won’t be there for him to grab onto again. What could be so bad to make his eyes look so miserable?
“Well… I know he didn’t like us, he didn’t like me. So, he left,” After years of recovery I’ve finally gotten over the fact that I was never good enough for him so you’d think that would be easy to say but I still find myself choking on my words. Leo holds my hands tighter, making sure our gazes are met. He bites his lip nervously, something that I dearly wish didn’t look so attractive.
“He… was having an affair,” Leo finally whispers. I feel my skin and blood turn to ice. I can’t remove my gaze from his, so he does it for me. He looks down, as if stopping tears. Finally, he looks up to the ceiling, gulping anxiously. “With my mother…” I don’t know what I’m meant to feel right now. “They ran off together… they left my dad and I broken. My father killed himself, Ez… that man in my dorm with my mum… it’s your father. That’s why…”
“That’s why my mum didn’t want me to visit you.” I say, firmly. I can feel my jaw clenching and I quickly snatch my hands away from Leo. Why didn’t anyone tell me?! Leonardo nods softly. I stand up, not sure whether I’m furious or miserable, or both.
“Esme wait… there’s more,” those words are the only things keeping me from running out of my house. I reluctantly sit back down on my bed but keep my distance from Leo. I know I can feel betrayal, but from who? From my mother? From Leo? All this time I thought it was my fault, so much so that I had to go to counselling for twelve f*cking years. Twelve years of my life, wasted. “That night, when we…” Leo raises his eyebrows as if to suggest that supposed night six months ago. I’m not sure I’m going to like what comes next, I can already feel tears pressing against my eyes and my stomach is about to hurl. I look up to him, scared. “I just want to say… I really wanted to tell you but Ethan threatened me…” he takes in a deep breath. “We had sex, Esme. You don’t remember because yes you were very drunk, but… also because Ethan came in and tried to hit me over the head with a frying pan. He missed. He hit you, Esme,”
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