honestly idk blake has a panic attack or smthngNightime is always the most quiet occasion to be at peace with yourself. Blake wanted to get away from the captivating thoughts that continued to wrap around her mind like a heavy rope, squeezing and tightening throughout every second of the day. The emotional pain that had went through with this decision was enough to unmotivate her from every goal she's been set to do. She had Sun, of course. But that makes it worse. She worries. She worries that he would get hurt, she worries that she's a parasite to everyone she's around, she wants to protect everyone. But everytime, theres always a cost to everything. Every minute of every hour, she misses her team. She misses her home, to say the least. 'Did I Ruin Everything?' Rots in the back of her head. That was a question. 'She hates me for everything I've done.' was a fact.
She couldn't keep self loathing, she tried to act like nothing was wrong, the occasional sigh near Sun by accident slipped out of her dreaded mouth. Of course, Sun had a talk with her, that didn't help at all. In fact, it made her more angry at herself, despising the fact that she was such a horrible teammate. "Do you know what i have to deal with everyday? Do you know how much I miss them? Weiss, Ruby," she stopped remembering what she said there. Her mind stopped, and came to a static cliffhanger. It stung when the toxic word slipped into her head. "Yang." she could already feel the burning sensation in her mind, trying to pause the thought. 'Don't think about it' repeated in her head, the word became heavier and heavier. "Yang.." the layers of memories became thicker and thicker, and so did her ability to catch her breath, she slowed down. took a deep breath. She was okay now. Her hands felt more sweatier after the short moment of thinking about.. that. She reached for a book to calm her down.
Fragile shaking fingers slid across the smooth book cover, to grasp it and open to the last chapter she was on. she read for an hour, slowly falling into a calmer world. the only thing that made her happy at this dark point of feeling so alone, was this. The quiet sound of crickets outside in the night could still be heard as she read through every page and scanned through it, at a point the cold air became more noticeable. She didn't care, her skin was so used to colder bones at this point, it was warmer in the morning than what it is at night. A feeling of emptiness came with every slumber she took at this point, everything in her body, every bone, was folded together by her nightmares and her fright.
She was so fragile at this point. Her freezing skin grasped the book tighter, and continued to read. "Deep down. He missed them." the text in the story gave weight to a terrible feeling in Blake's chest. Her happiness began to break again. "His heart swelled, vividly remembering the ones he loved, lost." The weight got much more harder to carry. "and of her." Blake's hands began to tremble whilst holding the book, and her arms began to feel tingly. The breathing method wasnt working, why did it have to happen again? At 12:00 AM. every night, shes alone and cant control her useless emotions, they always got in the way. It became apparent on her schedule, every day, she couldn't help it. "Oh, how he missed her." the words made a burning tear roll down Blake's face. It rolled down her cheek crucially, instantly shattering Blake. emotions weren't a thing she could handle anymore, she choked as a few more trickled down her face, burning even more and more like a crackling blaze inside her body, intoxicating every part of her, her lungs being covered with smoke to a point where she couldn't respire.
She hiccuped and choked on her own tears, she was gone now, her self control was loose as she put her hands in her hair clutched it so firmly to a point where she felt like ripping it out. she hated herself, she hated everything, she hated how her chest felt right now, heavy and hyperventilating. Blake began to go dizzy and her face began to flush, the choking became more louder and she fell down onto the pillow, slightly hitting it but then realizing she barely had any strength left inside her to do so. everything felt numb, but once she laid down, she began to let it all out, and come to terms with her own mind again. the tears began to slow down, and she slowly just began to watch them as they rolled down her face onto the couch, staining it with droplets. she felt torn, but at least she was calming down. the breathing became more steady, and she sat there in silence for a while, staring at the wall. She dropped the book on the floor, and her eyes slowly began to close, she drifted into a calm slumber, hoping to be ready for the same awful routine tomorrow.
'Oh, how (s)he missed her..'