RayneCloud - Page 13

?[What’s Happening?.]?
Hey so. There are way more important matters at hand. Mom flipped out last night and was screaming at me in my face. She told me that I was awful and I am not a good person and that she was sick of me. She threatened to send me off to Chris. She threatened to send me off to papa. I need somewhere to go because it’s not gonna get better. I feel unsafe there. It’s no longer a home to me. I have packed a bunch of clothes. I’m gonna finish packing later. I need See More▼ somewhere to go and I’m not sure papa is actually a good option. Because he’s a drunk and he’s always extraordinarily high and shit and I don’t think that’s suitable. I haven’t been really talking about what’s been happening at home. So there you go. They said they’ll only send me off with what I can carry in my back and that’s it. I’m scared to go home now. It’s unsafe and terrifying to be there. I’m worried to do something wrong and upset them further. I know I will at some point. My poems have not told just sadness. They describe fear. Pure. fear. So, sorry if I’m talking to people because I just want someone that doesn’t know anything personal about me. Sorry if i don’t have friends and I feel I need to keep talking to random people so I can keep that bubbly personality. I’m sick of my goddamn life. End me. Someone, ANYONE. END ME.

[[A Monsters Dreams]]
Here I am, once again in a forgotten dream.
My imagery that I rarely ever have in a dream, is bursting at the seams.
I remember being in that dream over and over,
Trapped in the endless loop of the same dream, just waiting for it to finally be over.
I see the girl scout troop I was in for all those years,
We were all playing outside the highschool, different from our 6th grade class. Smiling as if we had nothing to fear. See More▼
I see my mother’s bewildered face and wide, dilated pupiled eyes, filled with terror as she grabbed my arm and simply said “We need to go.” And quickly walking to the car, uncaringly slamming the car door as she started the car and we drove away. She was speeding a bit, that was new.
She works at a prison, yet I saw the speed go up and the car, if we hit something, surely would have flew.
I noticed the panic and horror in her face, I asked “What’s wrong?” Confusion filling my gaze.
“Your niece that’s living with us was attacked by Hooch.” She said, trembling.
Hooch was our pitbull, a playful, kind soul. He was just a pup.
And yet his life was also given up.
When we arrived I saw the ambulance and mom looked back at me and said, “Stay here. Don’t get out of the car.”
She got out of the car, closing the door hurriedly and ran to the side of the house.
I watched. As soon as she got to the open ambulance doors, she covered her mouth in horror and started bawling her eyes out.
I saw blood all over the front porch’s sidewalk. I watched as my step-dad came out the house, his shirt drenched in blood,
It looked as if he went rolling in the mud.
I saw all of this and then looked at the van with Hooch inside, blood covered his face and body.
The few months after, I finally was told what had happened, I had only thought the blood was from Hooch, thinking he was just a stupid doggie.
“Colton was playing with pots and pans and your aunt- his mother- Billy, got a call and had to go in a different room so she could hear the person over the phone. Colton saw the glass door and the front door left open, so he went outside. Hooch followed out with him. Hooch tried to play with 2 year old Colton, Hooch was way too big for playing with such a young kid. He jumped on Colton, knocking him down. He bit his face playfully. He had gotten a taste of blood. And he wanted more. He tore Colton’s face off, as well as his ears, his ears hung onto a thread of skin. My aunt went looking for him, when she saw Colton, she screamed louder than she ever has. My step-dad ran out, grabbing Colton and trying to get Colton to respond while trying to stop the bleeding. Then Billy called 911 in a rush. Her son had gotten mauled. She waited for the ambulance to arrive. And then they got there, soon after, you and I arrived.” My mother said to me, my age at 12.
Colton may have survived,
But I’ll never forget the memories on that day. I see frequent memories of that day in my dreams. I’m still surprised to be still alive.

- Rayne Collier (October 4th, 2023)

February 26, 2023 (Same thing as the last, middle school, 8th grade, hardest point in my life.) -
I’m a f*cking dick. I lie to people I love, I’m a greedy bitch, I feel the constant need to be told “i love you,” but never does that happen, i vent to everyone, even if I had just met them, I am constantly forgetting important things about people, but don’t forget most stuff about me, I get angry for no reason at all, i hate my parents even though they’re trying, I have toxic friends, See More▼ I forgive people way too fast, I yell too much, I hate my appearance, I get jealous too easily, I’m always left out, i never get told anything anymore, when I hang out with Jay I’m always happy, but when they look like they’re having more fun and smiling more than when their with me, I get upset, angry, jealous, i start sh!t, I feel left out, that I’m replaceable, being replaced, feel like sh!t, that i’m worthless and should roll over and die. I’m a selfish b!tch. I can’t mind my own business, I’m a mistake, I never am truly paid attention to.

February 22, 2023 (This was in 8th grade. The hardest point in my life.) -
Man I’ve just been acting so weird recently. I can’t decide who is on my side and who’s against me, I forgive horrible people that I shouldn’t, I’m starting to lie more and more again, I feel like I’m always in my head. That I’m a fly stuck in my own web of my emotion, mental state, mental issues, and mind in general. I make people upset. I make people angry. I’m getting bullied more and more and it’s not See More▼ helping my mental and emotional state right now. Everything is changing. I’m afraid of people changing. I hate change. I always have. I can’t recall a time where I liked change. Other than when my dad came back. But look where that got me. I trust in people too much, and when I think we’re close. BOOM. Drama. It’s always f*cking drama and I’m tried of it. I can’t stand being in my own skin. I can’t stand myself. I can’t f*cking do anything right ever. I can’t remember the last time I actually did something right. I can’t f*cking think for myself. I only care about those around me. I don’t care if I get hurt anymore. As long as I’m protecting someone. From someone like me. I need help. I’m f*ckin’ ill and my mother doesn’t even f*ckin’ aknowlage it. Neither does my dad. I smile when I’m sad. I smile when I’m upset. I smile when I want to end it all yet no one notices. No one f*ckin’ knows. How. the. F*ck. I. feel. My mother’s always like “Omg when I was your age, I went through the same thing! I know how you feel! Just stop caring about what they think! Stop being a baby!” 1. How the f*ck would you know what I’m going through? This isn’t a f*cking storybook that repeats. It’s not a script. You don’t know how I feel. You don’t know what I’m going through. Every adult goes “I know how you feel”, “I know what you’re going through.” or “Just stop caring about what people think.” I’m f*cking sick of it. 2. I CAN’T STOP CARING IF ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT IS HOW I LOOK AND HOW OTHER PEOPLE SEE ME. AND ALL THEY SAY IS “Just stop caring.” HARD TO DO THAT WITH ANXIETY, AND SOCIAL ANXIETY. I AM AFRAID OF EVEN BEING LOOKED AT WHEN I WALK INTO A ROOM. I GET AFRAID WHEN SOMEONE STARES AT ME. 3. “Why are you so weird?”, “ew she’s weird”, “Why can’t you be normal?” I’M SORRY I’M ACTUALLY BEING MYSELF AND YOU ALL PUT UP A F*CKING ACT TO SEEM WHAT PEOPLE THINK IS “NORMAL”. PAINTING A PICTURE OF SOMEONE YOU AREN’T ISN’T GONNA CHANGE YOU. IT’S JUST BEING F*CKIN’ FAKE. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE FROM BEING ‘EW ’ OR BEING “WEIRD” OR “NOT BEING NORMAL” I’M INDULGING IN MYSELF AND YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SHUT IT ALL OUT AGAIN. I’VE DEVELOPED BODY DYSPHORIA OVER THE YEARS BECAUSE OF BEING TALKED ABOUT. “Ew why does she look like that?” “What is that outfit??” SHUT THE F*CKING HELL UP. LET ME LOOK LIKE WHAT I WANT TO AND GO ON WITH YOUR F*CKING FAKE ASS SELF. I’m not talking about anyone in specific. Just talking about people in general. People. Suck.