Which Ancient Civilisation are You?

Which Ancient Civilisation are You?

Which ancient civilisation would you fit right into in the Classical world?

published on February 04, 201419 responses 3 4.6★ / 5

Your calling in life?

Spare the humble and vanquish the proud. It
wouldn’t hurt to win prestige and wealth from
doing so too…
Pursue excellence in all its forms - music, art,
poetry, civic duty, public speaking… war is
necessary but it’s not all that great.
A good punch-up now and then, but mostly
honest living. Trading, travelling, craftsmanship
and art are noble pursuits, but so are farming,
fishing and the like.
Be part of a divinely-chosen empire that claims all
corners of the earth! Lucky for everyone else our
empire is just as good at promoting peace and
prosperity as it is clobbering people.
Just get by, honour the gods and do well. I
wouldn’t mind doing most things: farming,
fishing, hunting. It’s good to get spare time to
get into music and fun too.

Art! What say you to it?

It’s a good way to show off my wealth. You see
that one? Taken from those rich fops in the
east. That mosaic on the wall cost me a pretty
penny too, but it was worth it, no?
Ah, the beauty of the human form. Such
exquisite curves, musculature. The human body
really is a marvel to behold. The male body in
I guess I’m not much for depicting the human
form. But intricate, swirling patterns are great
Art… well I suppose it’s a good way to showcase
the timelessness and good order of our kingdom.
Expression and experimentation is… not my
thing. Art should have standards of beauty to it,
there should be rules.

I’m bored! What should we do?

Let’s go watch some human filth tear each other
to pieces, or get torn to pieces by wild beasts!
After that we could go to my mate’s banquet
and gorge ourselves till we’re ready to throw up.
Let’s go watch a play! Maybe a tragedy, or a
comedy? Or there’s a travelling teacher in town,
he’s all about how all the world is made up of a
few basic substances, could be interesting.
Let’s get a good singsong going with some
mates! There’ll be food, dancing, lots of laughs,
maybe a good punch-up too. Or… we could go
ask the village headman if he needs extra hands
for the hunt?
Well the King is in town, we could watch him
hunt down some ferocious lions? I mean it
doesn’t seem terribly fair, him being in a chariot
and all, with a dozen soldiers with him, but he is
the King… Anyway there’s bound to be some
good eatin’ there.
How about a fancy banquet? There’ll be plenty
of booze, pretty dancing girls to look at, jugglers,
wrestlers, should be fun. We could take a dip in
the river afterward.

I’m thinking of wearing trousers more often, what do you think?

You know they’re exclusively for savages and/or
wimps who can’t handle the cold, right?
Good idea, they’re comfortable and practical.
Hmm I’d prefer a nice, elegant robe, but they’re
still a must when it comes to horse riding.
In this weather? Are you nuts?

Look at those slaves, breaking their backs in the sun. Should we help them out?

HA! Oh, sorry you weren’t joking? Look, they’re
slaves, if you feel that bad you could pay to free
them later. Meantime someone has to do the
grunt work, and that someone ain’t me.
Technically they’re not slaves. Well, some of the
farmers are basically slaves I guess. Someone has
to do the heavy lifting!
They get the dangerous, nasty work done.
Tough nuts for them, I’m afraid.

Women are...

...I'm sorry, was that a question? They're good
for making and raising kids. They'd better behave
themselves though and keep their mouths shut.
And none of that see-through silk dress
nonsense that I've been hearing about.
...kinda gross to be honest. They're just not as
smart as men really, and didn't some really smart
guy once say they're just deformed men?
Talking (among other things) with another man,
especially a young man, is much better!
...kinda neat I guess. They're good at raising the
kids and looking after the house. And honestly
they're not too shabby when it comes to a fight.
...sometimes pretty cool. I'm ok with them
learning to ride horses and even managing
finances, as long as not too many of them do it.
They're also great for making babies, and
goodness knows we need to keep reproducing
to stay strong!
...actually pretty cool. They do a good job
working in the fields like the men do, and we've
actually had a few female rulers who didn't do
too badly at all.

You are King for a day! What do you see yourself as?

A first among equals! I mean I also have the
backing of all the soldiers in the land, and if you
know what’s good for you, you’d better not try
my patience. But still… first. among. equals.
A person of excellence, someone who is strong
mentally and physically - a philosopher King
perhaps? A Saviour? Someone with some fancy
titles in front of their name, anyhow.
A regular enough kinda guy… Definitely the
toughest guy around but nothing terribly special.
Give me a nice house and good food, and I’m
The chosen one of Heaven. It’s not all fun and
games though - I have a duty to keep the world
in one piece and make sure all men enjoy the
blessings of my rule!
A child of the gods. I’m calm, benevolent,
godlike… I get to wear a nice hat and marry my
sister. …Why are you looking at me like that?

The gods…

…told us to spare the humble and vanquish the
proud, which is what we do best. You’d better
treat the gods with respect and offer them the
right sacrifices, or things won’t go well for you or
yours. It’s ok for the neighbours to worship their
own funny gods up to a point - but if it
threatens our gods’ disapproval, they’ll just have
to cut out all that foreign nonsense and worship
…well they’re a funny lot. In a way they’re
basically just like us mortals, and then there’s the
thing where our gods and other people’s gods
are kind of the same… And then if you think of it
another way, there’s only one supreme matter
behind it all. It’s all terribly confusing sometimes.
Anyway, offer them the right sacrifices if you
know what’s good for you.
…can be scary sometimes. If they make the sky
fall down, that’s it for us. So keep them happy
with the right kinds of sacrifices! A fancy sword
often makes them happy. There’s a bunch of
pious chaps who know the gods’ songs and tales
the best, so ask them what to do if you’re in
…well for starters there’s just one, really. He likes
our people the best and he made the King ruler
of the whole universe, so we’d better listen to
the King. Our god is always locked in eternal
struggle with his evil counterpart too, so we’d
best keep on our toes. He loves fire and hates
bugs and lizards, so that’s a good place to start.
…there are so many of them it boggles the
mind. The King is their representative though, so
I guess you can start from there. Now we all
know that after the body dies, the soul goes on
and on, so it’s good to start thinking about the
afterlife when you’re young. Be a good person in
this life - you don’t want to fail the gods’ test
just before the hereafter. Also, cats.

That kingdom next door wants to pick a fight! What to do?

Give the ne'er do wells and the thugs a job,
they can do the fighting. Give them some good
gear and encourage them to be the meanest,
toughest bastards around (not that they’d need
much encouragement). Also never, ever give in.
Fight dirty if you have to but never give in.
Nobody messes with you and lives to tell the
tale. And after you kill them you can take their
stuff and give that to your soldiers. Which means
they'll just want to keep killing more people and
taking more stuff, but we'll find worry about that
Get the citizens to stand side by side, united in
their love for hearth and home. There’s nobody
tougher than the citizen body standing firm too,
so they'll do fine. Too bad they have to pay for
their own gear, and they'll have to give up the
soldiering during harvest time. Now if only we
could pay some people to do this kind of thing
full time...
You and everybody you know loves to fight, so
honestly there's nothing to it. Elegant
longswords are nice but a bit out of your price
range... Oh well, a shield and a stout spear are
good enough. You're a big guy too so that'll
help. And it's totally cool to charge around
naked, just sayin'.
Bring in all the soldiers, from all the places! I
mean you can really only trust those from your
own race, but every little bit counts. Most of
your men won't be terribly good in a fight but
you've got a few hardcore mates to count on
(some from your own race, some of them hired).
You yourself are an excellent rider and handler of
the bow and spear, on foot and on horse.
All the chariots. Your best troops will be fancy
hired foreign types, maybe those clanking,
armoured chaps from the west, or those
annoying pirates who’d actually make excellent
paid stooges, obedient and tough as nails.

Your declining years are coming. What's the best way to go?

Slowly lose your power and become irrelevant,
then get replaced by a bunch of stinking,
moustachioed morons. That's ok though, you've
got a really clever relative living in the east who'll
keep your memory going.
Keep saying nasty things to your friends while
ignoring the slobbering savages to the north
who kind of look like they'll cause trouble later.
Whatever, there's catty letters and passive-
aggressive speeches to give in the meantime.
Just kind of... fade away, I guess. In time you'll
be forgotten and maligned as a dull-witted
savage who couldn't even learn to write… but
your music survives, as does your reputation for
kicking ass.
You're doing ok, minding your own business and
doing well really, when some weedy kid (well, he
seemed pretty weedy from a distance) comes
out of nowhere and takes over your all your
stuff. You'll have to answer to him for a while,
but it won't last forever.
You've been around for so long, it's honestly
kind of a surprise when the end comes. A long
line of bullies wears you down, the final one
takes over for good... But your way of life still
goes on. So... yeah.