What do I do with my ex

Hello

I'm a 40yo guy who's just come out of a 4yr relationship. I was with my ex gf for 4 yrs, she had 2 children when I met her, then we went on to have one of our own. About 4mts ago she dropped a bombshell and told me she didn't think she loved me anymore and wanted me to leave our home.

I had to beg family for money and search tirelessly for somewhere to live, it took about 2 weeks to find a flat, then I left. During the time we were apart she was very hard faced and cruel to me. She wouldn't reply to texts, or would reply to the one's that suited her. She was making fun of me to friends and family etc about the way I was feeling. This hurt very much as I did nothing wrong and raised her 2 children for the past 4yrs. I felt used and neglected as you can imagine. The way she was treating me also made me feel quite ill. I wasn't sleeping, eating etc.

Then about 2 weeks into the split I met another girl. This girl wasn't my type, but because of the way I was feeling at the time I felt flattered that someone else actually wanted me. To do the right thing I text my ex and told her '' I have a chance to be with someone else, but prefer to be with you. What shall I do? ''. She told me she didn't love me, didn't want me back and to go and enjoy myself which I did. The next day the girl I went out with tagged me on Facebook and thanked me for a lovely evening. Next I had me ex on the phone crying and shouting saying she didn't realise she loved me until she seen that girls Facebook post and wanted me back. We got back together the same day. She asked me if anything happened with the girl, I told her no (I lied) because I wanted her back so much I would have said anything.

Since we were back I tried and tried to forgive her for the cruel way she treated me but couldn't. I just couldn't trust her not to say she didn't love me again and throw me out again. So I packed and left a few days ago and moved back into the flat.

The day I moved in, the girl I went out with came knocking my door and told me she was pregnant and I was the dad. This came as a huge shock to me as you can imagine as she told me she was on the pill and we were safe (I know I know, I should have used protection all the same). My ex found out and went crazy. She assumes I have left her for this girl and now going to start a ''New'' family with her and the baby. But this is not true. Of course I will fulfill my obligations as a father, but that's as far as it goes, and I told my ex this.

I've realised I love my ex and miss her so much I think about her and the children all day long. But she told me she could never have me back because I slept with someone else. Yet, didn't she give me permission to do it? I explained this to her, but she said she meant to go and have fun, not sex. How was I to know? I was feeling so low my self confidence was shattered and this girl made me feel wanted again. It felt good to be wanted again. But no, she doesn't want me back but says she still loves me and that will never change. So I'm now living by myself, with no girlfriend or children who I love, and it sucks. Again I am not eating, sleeping and feeling quite ill.

Is there anyway I can get me ex back? If not, what can I do to make this all go away and feel easier?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it.