letters to myself

maybe i'll make it out alive

to the future; 1

december 19th, 2018   7:55 PM

i sit here now, i'm supposed to be studying for my psych and history final.
only you know whether i pass or fail those classes.
maybe you don't. maybe you don't exist.
if you do fail, i hope you aren't reading this. i hope you don't exist.
if you passed, sometimes i wish you didn't exist either.

for some reason, right now, i chose to sit here.
i chose to write this to you.
i am choosing not to study.
i am choosing to help myself by talking to you.

maybe there is someone who loves you now.
maybe there's not.
you know what i'm going to say about that.

i hope you aren't with mom and dad anymore.
i hope you're having a blast, at some university, studying art
i hope you've got friends who care
i hope you aren't sitting there, writing to yourself like i am right now.

as of now, when i return from pasadena, i will be admitting myself to the hospital
i want to live. i want to live. i want to live.
but maybe that's just not the case anymore.

maybe this website is gone.
maybe all the friends you've made here are gone.
maybe all your work here is deleted.
every success, every struggle since the 5th grade is hidden on this website
or maybe it's all been deleted. maybe it's lost to the void.

maybe you're lost to the void.
right now, i hope you are.
i don't want to disappoint anyone, but i hope you're gone.
forever.

do you still like muse?
do you still like dan and phil?
do you still like the things that saved your life all those years ago?

i hope you do, if you're still there.
maybe there's some hope for me.

maybe i'll make it out alive.

so i sit here now, writing to someone who'll never read this
you'll forget this is here.
now would be a good time to say something like:
"you are strong and beautiful and important"
but that wouldn't be the truth
mom says you're a liar.
she says you're manipulative.
maybe she's right.
but that might not be the truth.

maybe your life is better than mine.
maybe you're happy for once
but if you're not,
why not?

what have I done to cause your pain?

so i sit here now, trying to write something beautiful from my thoughts
but it's not beautiful
it's ugly and disgusting
my thoughts are not "beautifully tragic"
it's horrible.

but maybe you've found someone who cares enough to help.

- milo