Take Me to Flavourtown

He couldn't escape my mind. He was the only man who could get my heart racing. And his name is Guy Fieri

published 7 days ago5 reads 5 readers 0 completed

Take Me To Flavourtown

//WARNING//
Okay big warning, there's going to be the topic of ouchies, dead things and suicide. If your sensitive to that I'd suggest you don't read it.
But the story's super funny so that's a plus-

I'm not sure why I'd done it, or how I even thought of the idea, but it seemed like a good one at the time. Rather than lazing about, watching shows and binge eating snacks that would clog my arteries, I'd wandered into the woods, hoping to summon the only person I'd ever admired- Guy Fieri.
I never quite understood my fascination with the man, what with his beady eyes that stare into your soul. With his gnashing teeth and gnarled smiles. I'd admired the odd foods he's eaten, the places he'd traveled and everything he's ever done. I truly loved the idea of Guy Fieri.
I'd already found my way through the labyrinth of towering trees, into a small, decaying meadow. It was rancid, with rotting carcasses of half-eaten mammals and yellow, rotting grass. The air was fetid, the pungent smell of maggot infested forest critters hung heavy. I remember gagging on the scent, but my love for Guy allowed me to power through it.
By this time, I'd set my supplies down, far away from anything that might have once been alive, in the middle of a large dirt patch. I sorted through all the items- a half a dozen candles, a wad of tacobell condiments, a knife and a lighter.
Before I could give myself the time to second guess, I lit the candles and pressed the blade of the knife into the fleshy part of my hand. I dragged the edge through the meat, watching the blood pour onto the packaged sauces.
"Take me to flavour town. Take me to flavour town. Take me to flavour town" I'd chanted, exactly as the wiki page told me.
But nothing happened.
I'd cried for days.
I began to resent Guy Fieri. The man who never answered my cry to remove me from my pitiful life.
I'd decided, if Guy won't take me from this life and into Flavour Town, I'd force myself into his world.
And so, here I stand, way above the world. Standing on top of the highest building I could find. Thank you World- for fostering the pathetic excuse of a  human being that is me. And thank you Guy, for reminding me Earth isn't the only place I could exist. Flavour Town will be a much better place for me.
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