the complete popsicle headcanon

the whole headcanon that me and bree made at like 2 in the morning, yay

published 27 days ago1 read 1 reader 0 not completed

oof

“okay, hi, guys. today we’re going to talk about a more pressing matter; the popsicle fanfic. it’s not accurate. we live in fricking wyoming. i moved out of warm rhode island. it’s cold here. the ‘hot, sweltering heat of the burning sun’ can’t melt the popsicle because 1) there is no sun and 2) i haven’t had a popsicle since i was fourteen. you guys are getting really weird. also, none of you can get my dick right. we won’t go into that bit, but some of you - looking at you @rainbowkittysparklesnyanya - are getting my weight wrong, too. for future fanfics, i weigh 124 pounds of sexy man meat.”
he pulled up his shirt. “see these smexy ribs? now justin isn’t here today because he’s too busy coughing up last night’s takeout dinner, which, by the way, was NOT otter pops, snow cones, or whatever the hell you think it was. it was chinese. they have fortune cookies, not ice pops. not mason’s ‘zooper dooper’ and not justin’s ‘erotic love ice stick’ - fortune cookies.”
“mason!! i just coughed up my fortune— it says im gay. why is this so accurate—“
“shut up justin, i’m doing a livestream- okay, i don’t have a problem with slash fanfiction. it’s actually kind of flattering. i draw the line, though, when i stick a popsicle up someone’s ass and then eat it. that’s fcuking nasty, y’all.”
“i just inhaled freaking rice hELPPPP—“ *death sounds*
“you do that every weekend, justin!” face twitching. “to all of you people who write decent fanfiction, kudos to you. to everyone else, you guys are weird, depraved people. i have to go stop my boyfriend from choking to death, but i’ll be back.”
“i already choked to death—“
“but you’re alive, so we’re good.” walking back to the camera, leaning back in his chair. “what else can we cover?” he’s reading over comments. “yes, i’ll read one. right now. out loud. justin, come read this with me!!”
“coming!!”
running to camera, sliding ninja style on fluffy socks
“i gotta link.” clicking the link. cringing. “oh, gOD-“ scrolling down. “hey, that’s actually something you say!!” he pointed at the screen, tugging on justin’s sleeve.
snorting.
“wow. why are our fans like this— “
“sweetie, they’re my fans—“ grinning. “kidding. i guess they’re yours too now.” intense reading. “dopeninja4578, what the hell did you send me?”
“mostly yours— oh god”
“are any of your family members subscribed to the channel?”
"no"
“good.” reading and then laughing. “this idiot thinks you could top me.”
also laughing.
“no way”
“yeah way.” he pointed his thumb at justin. “you guys realize how small he is?? i’m more than half a foot taller than him.”
“i’m 5’1. he’s 5’11. that’s almost a foot.”
he shrugged. "i feel like this whole video has been negative, so-" he pulled justin into a kiss. "fanservice."
justin also kisses
“yes, please the fans.”
he pulled away. "okay, so you see, you guys, you're all wRONG."
he nodded.
“he’s too tall to be my bottom, and we don’t eat popsicles here in wyoming, and what’s with your subscribers, mason. please excuse me as i go to cough up the rest of my dinner cause y’all are fcuking nasties”
he just shrugged. "weird channel, weird fans."
he nodded
"okay, bye." he turned off the camera, shutting the laptop.
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