Injurious PestsDante Cactus is a big, angry manchild. Don't be fooled by his medical profession, he lacks any and all life skills. Such as- emotional regulation, making Kraft Dinner, cleaning up after himself, thinking things through, not making himself as easy of a target as possible for Damion Mafia. He has a rocky relationship with Clarise Kinky and he goes to jail for murder when he's technically innocent. But it's all okay when Sylvester Hurts and Thomass Cardealership break him out. The book ends with Dante Cactus mocking a mentally broken man on his deathbed after hitting on Tiana Unwell at her twin sister's funeral.
Damion Mafia is a big, angry manchild. Don't be fooled by his medical profession, he lacks any and all morals. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but he's so deep in denial that there's anything wrong with him that it's a miracle he has any oxygen down there. His only redeeming trait is that he's marginally physically attractive for a 30-year-old man with a history of cocaine use and sleep deprivation. He bullies not only Dante by framing him for murder, he also bullies his fiancée by putting a bullet through her heart. Literally!
Whether or not Sylvester Hurts has a personality disorder as well is just as unclear as to whether or not he's a protagonist or an antagonist. He's a thrill-seeker who gets his kicks from being as asshole. For a while, he's an asshole for Damion Mafia, but the obligatory plot twist is that he's an asshole TO Damion Mafia too! The only character he's not an asshole to is his asshole boyfriend- Thomass Cardealership.
Clarise Kinky is a pathological liar with a heavy drinking problem and daddy issues. She and her twin sister- Tiana Unwell- are French. But Tiana Unwell is a miserable Catholic kiss-up, so their parents tolerate her while they do not tolerate Clarise Kinky's shit. She emotionally abuses Dante Cactus as he's grieving only to exploit men in struggling marriages only be to emotionally, financially, and physically abused by Damion Mafia. But don't let her tendency to have exclusively negative relationships with men trick you into thinking she's capable of having a healthy relationship with a woman either, as she screws over her female love interest because, um... internalized homophobia? Instead of being a better person, she copes with her guilt by angsting about it, blaming everyone around her for her shortcomings, and drinking Fangelico Liqueur. She finally redeems herself seconds before being murdered by Damion Mafia.
Tiana Unwell is the better twin. She's sober. Still miserable, but sober. And not a criminal. She got hitched the second she turned 18 to a wealthy man who makes her a widow before she's 30. She tries to help Clarise Kinky not be such a terrible, miserable person, but Clarise Kinky resents her for being the better twin as previously mentioned. She hosts the funeral service. The only person who actually knew Clarise Kinky decently well that shows up to the funeral service just hits on Tiana Unwell the entire time. Dante Cactus has a type.
Thomass Cardealership is a justice of the court. His court is anything but just as a cheeky bribe is all you need to get him in your court. Despite being such a shitty person, he's still better than all the other shitty people in his friend group. This is demonstrated by him emotionally supporting Sylvester Hurts through his crippling mommy issues. Maybe it was just to get laid, maybe it was genuine, we'll never know! He and Sylvester Hurts elope after leaving the rest of their friend group for dead.
Carla Valentinobag is the only character who is both morally justified and not a dumbass. The only one. She's a competent police officer and single-mother. She's also Dante Cactus' older sister! As such, she gets sister strangled.