What happenedI'll be a mom in April. I can't believe it. It feels completely unreal.
I never wanted children actually. Especially not at 17. I'm always worried and stressed about this situation.
I'm scared that I'll never be a good mother. I don't deserve to have this little baby. I wish I didn't do what I did but I can't go back and change what I did.
As soon as I had seen Jae making out with this other girl, I got so angry and jealous. no body wants to see their boyfriend making out with a stranger....
Basically what had happened was that me and Jae were at my big sisters party and of course our parents were home at the time. It wasn't like the parties you seen in high school movies though. But it felt like it tbh. I remember there was around.....15 or less people in the living room, playing some kind of game, Jae and I was sitting at the kitchen table, talking about our classes and school work. I was uncomfortable about how many people there was, my sister knows that I do have social anxiety when I'm around large groups of people. (She doesn't care though.)
Anyways, after my parents went to the store, my sister brought out alcohol. I was very anxious at this point. Everyone, including Jae, drank a little bit of the drinks, I said I was uncomfortable so I went to my room and locked the door. I begged Jae to come to my room with me but he said he didn't want to. He tried to make new friends I guess. I stayed in my room for 10 or so minutes until I went back downstairs. When I got to the bottom of the steps, I seen a girl sitting on Jae's lap, kissing him. It was very....intense. I'd rather not go into too much detail about this because I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable. Of course when I seen this happen, I was very angry and hurt. I yelled at him about it and me and him got into an argument. He pushed me away and I had hit the stairs, I just stayed there. Anxious and angry to do anything else. I had assumed Jae was drunk because I know he would never do this to me otherwise. Jae then went back to the girl he was making out with so, being the stupid and jealous type of girl I am, I went up to a damn stranger and started flirting with him. I didn't want anything from him really, I only wanted Jae to be jealous and upset. So, the guy I was flirting with was drunk obviously and he begin to touch my breast. I was very uncomfortable but then I didn't care. Like I said, I just wanted Jae jealous. Eventually the guy took me to room, I told him I was very anxious and that I DID NOT want to do ANYTHING with him. He was drunk and very demanding so I just did what I was told to do. I begged him to leave me alone, he started to take my clothes off when I screamed. The man slapped me and told me to keep my mouth shut,
I'm pretty sure you guys all know what happens next....I could feel him...um...his fluids inside me. During that, I cried the whole time. I looked at the clock that was in the room, it said it was around 9;30 pm. In my head I was begging my mom and dad to come home. When they did come home it was an hour or so later. They went to Wal-Mart and said they had gotten stuck in some rough traffic. By this time I was in my own room. My sister's friends and Jae had left. Over the course of the next few days, my life went down hill. I knew something was wrong with me. I was sick every morning and stuff like that. A week after that, I bought myself a pregnancy test because I was very worried that I was really pregnant. When the test came back positive I literally cried. I spent 10 minutes in the bathroom stall crying because of this. So many thoughts ran through my mind at the time. It was very scary. I didn't know how to tell my parents about what happened. I don't think they would believe me. SO, the first person I told I was pregnant to was Jae, Of course he didn't take it very well. TBH, I think it was his fault that I'm even pregnant, If we went on a date, this would have never happened but he never listened to me. We never listened to each other. It makes me sad because we did have a beautiful relationship. I still have feelings for Jae but I know he loves someone else now and I respect that.
My mother didn't take the news very well. She called me a slut and slapped me. She almost kicked me out of the house. Because of this, I got angry at Jae. I sent him many mean messages and what not. Then we broke up. My mom thought that Jae had gotten me pregnant but she didn't believe me when I said that it wasn't possible. She doesnt know that Jae is a transgender man. It shouldn't matter because I loved him a lot. My mother is very strict on things like this. She wouldnt accept me if she knew I was not straight. (I think im pan-sexual.) Anyways, my mother called Jae's mother and they got into a fight over it. Jae's mother was more accepting and caring than mine. His mother knew it was impossible for Jae to get me pregnant. Which is why the child's not his.
I've lost all my friends at school because of me being pregnant. They don't want to socialize with a "whore" or a "slut". its ok tho. Jae is still my friend so it doesn't matter to me now.
My life lately is very difficult. I just don't know what I can do anymore. I considered getting an abortion many times but I've decided not to because I'd like to try to be a mother. Maybe I can be a good one and raise a sweet child. Or maybe in the far far distance future, my baby can have a little sister or brother. I just want to love this child and help it while i can, my mother didnt take enough care of me and i will NOT ever be like her. I can be a better mother than she ever will be.
Well, this is part of my story, everything in this is 100% true. Please believe me. And please do not hate on Jae for any of this. We have made up and are really great friends again. we both love each other. im sorry if any of this bothers you, writing helps me when im feeling awful. also im sorry for bad grammar. Thank you for taking the time to read this.