My Story Until Saturday, July, 11th, 2015.*Warning*
-Yes this story is true, so that means there should be no rude comments of how I'm a "Freak" and if I should go to a mental institution. This is my life, and I'll eventually figure it all out-
I remember being as young as 5 playing barbie's in my Great Grandmothers driveway. Or other times when I'd be alone in my Grand Fathers garage building things with wood. But yes, I admit, I had friends. I wasn't very proud of them, influencing me to eat flowers, and take mud baths, but.. They where my friends.. And as far as I knew at that age, that was all that mattered.
In grade 3 (I was 8), I got to see my mom again. The last time I had seen her was when I was 4. It's a long story, but when I was 1, I was found in my mothers washroom. My mother was passed out (drunk) and glass covered the floor in a thin layer (the bottle she was carrying smashed). I was sent to a foster home for the first 4 years of my life, while my mother and father battled for my custody. When I was 4, my grandma got custody of me and brang me up to my house. Where I settled.
When I was 9 (Grade 4), I was picked on for being weird. Yeah, the first 4 years of my elementary life was great. I had a reputation as a popular. I was part of a 5 (Piper, Janelle, Sarah and Maddie) girl group. I had met Piper (A nice, beautiful girl who loved dance with a passion) in grade 1, when I acted like she was famous, my mistake. She told me that I seemed pretty cool, and later on we started hanging out. I met Sarah, Janelle and Maddie all the previous year, kindergarten. We where all pretty good friends, up until grade 4 when things had changed.
Maddie had gotten into dance, became a great drawer, learned guitar and how to sing. She became 4th grade "Teachers Pet". I became weird, and I really don't know how. Yeah, I was a bit insane.. But I was only being young like I was supposed to. I didn't want to grow up. Janelle, Sarah and Piper, all became bitches. Piper was the school whore. She started dating wayyyy before any of us did. Her mom influenced it upon her to; "Break you're heart as many times as you can to figure out how you can search for a good man." I hated her mom.
I remember in grade 7 I was going to move up north because I hated where I currently lived. Sadly, day before my school vacation was over, we realised this was going to take a lot more trips to go up and down from one house to another. I ended up staying in my current city until grade 8 was over.
In December (2015), I had logged onto facebook for the first time in a year. When I had scrolled down the main wall, I saw a post from a boy (whom I am going to call Dyson Latinas) who had said; "I just hate being shy.. It really sucks. You feel as though you're in a cage with a lion, but instead of the lion eating you, it feeds upon you're strength to be brave. It's like the lion from 'Wizard of Oz', and how he wanted courage..." And from that, I was inspired.
Below it, I commented; "Yeah, I know right! I hate being shy, because when you go to do the smallest things, something tells you 'Don't be stupid!' and then you have to act all different."
Later onto 2015, we started to skype each other. He'd tell me I'm beautiful.. Which I knew and know is a lie... He started to flirt with me, and I had to question if he did this to other girls. He replied "Nah, you're the only one.."
He made me feel 100%..
Our first date we went to see the SpongeBob Movie.. This was my legit First Date Ever! My dad had dropped me off and he didn't even know I planned a date. I had to make up some lame excuse I was going with my friend Isabelle.. Even though she was sick. After it was over, I left awkwardly.. Which I regret. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.. But it would have been my first kiss.. And then I'd have to remember it.
On Valentines Day we went for our second date, skating.. His parents showed up, and I invited my 2 friends Isabelle and Becca... My only friends. Once again, my dad didn't know about it (And he still doesn't). After the skate was over, he gave me a card and some chocolates.. I had nothing. I felt like the worst girlfriend ever. In the car, I opened the card.. At the corner it read, "Remember.. Forever?" which, make me cry everytime I write, or see those words.
After I had gotten my lung surgery done (which took 3 days because of my recovery) I had gotten back to my computer to text him. He had said we had grown apart, it was only 3 days that felt like forever.. We departed ways when he told me that he was a player, and when I told him I was a drug addict. I swear, I cried for at least 3 weeks..
I know, deep inside my heart, I won't have a love like that again. How do I know?
Near the end of grade 8, I had gone out with a boy named Aiden. He only dated me because he knew I was a poor sucker who would do anything to find love again. We broke up when he started asking for nudes. Afterwards, I thought I could give 1 more guy a chance. Brandon.
Brandon and I had a tough relationship.. My depression from Dyson had started kicking in when I realised that I would never have love again like we had. I had decided I only had one way out from this mess.
I remember taking a knife and cutting my rib cage. Brandon heard the news quick and rushed onto snapchat and told me not to do it again. But I was persistent, and I cut my neck. I posted the video worldwide in hopes people would know what everything did. It all built up on me, and I had to leave this place.
Brandon had enough, and left me. My friends where pretty upset with him, and kept telling him, "You're not making her depression any better!" but he'd only reply the honest truth, "If you cared so much about her depression, help her through it."
I remember in the spring, I gathered all my friends and told them everything.. I think a few of them where concerned when I mentioned that I was going to overdose myself that night, because later in the afternoon, I was called to the principals office who asked me what the hell was going on. I lied the first few times, until she said she was going to call my parents and tell them what was was going on. I broke.
I told her everything, and she only replied with "ARE you going to kill yourself?"
I knew that if I said yes, she was going to send me home and get me into a therapist as soon as possible. I replied with a lie, "No. I'm not."
She asked if I needed some time to cool off, I said yeah. She led me upstairs to a woman named Mrs.Smith. She was a retired therapist.
After sitting with her for half of the afternoon, I was sent back to my english class, where I pretended to be happy to my friend Becca. I wanted her to feel safe, like I was okay. I couldn't ever see her getting too involved with helping me with depression, also, I didn't want to end up back in that office again with the principal.
That night, I remember getting drunk and taking 3 sleeping pills. I didn't wake up the next day until 5pm. Thankfully is was a Saturday, and my dad thought it was due to all the stress that week.
Near the end of the school year, I started having severe thoughs of how imperfect I am... I still do.. Infact, currently I'm on vacation, 7 hours away from home.. Everytime I take off my shirt to change, I look down and realize how skinny I am, how my legs are like frog legs.. How many pimples are on my face.. How my hair is cut like I'm in a box.. How I'm a flat chest at 14.. All I want to do is cry..
I remember before I left, I sat on the bathroom floor and cried in the mirror and prayed to God for him to kill me and replace my soul so then my parents would still have a daughter, just not really me inside.. I'd be dead.. But only in the spirit world.. A new spirit would fill my body.. A fresh start.
I still do that.. Everyday.