Someone Please tell me how to Improve my Writing

Someone Please tell me how to Improve my Writing

I want to improve and I'm bored. Be as critical and honest as you like- not mean though. There's a difference between constructive criticism and just flat out being rude. I promise to credit you in helping me when I write my next prompt! Feel free to use one of the prompts if you'd like to, please let me know! I'd love to read your version! All prompts from @writing-prompt-s on tumblr.

published on July 0818 reads 13 readers 21 not completed
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Feel free to use the prompt if you'd like to, please let me know! I'd love to read your version! All prompts from @writing-prompt-s on tumblr.

Prompt: In a world where everyone can telepathically talk with their soulmate (romantic or platonic), you have never heard their voice once in your life.

'Dessa's Dessert's' was the most well known pudding parlor in Byven. Something about the little corner café was just so welcoming. It started with the outside appearance. Pastel blue and pink bricks made it stand out from the other high-street shops. Then upon entering, a soft ting of a bell jingled and the sweet smell of sugar brought you to the counter. It was warm and welcoming, the only noise coming from the hidden speakers that played a soft melody. The reason it was so quiet was because it was also the number one place the villagers chose to go on dates. The soulmates chatted telepathically while they munched on their macaroons or sipped their tea.

Dessa poured the smooth chocolatey sauce over the toffee crunch cake. Her little pink tongue stuck out in concentration. This was going to be her prettiest work yet! The couple who had ordered the cake were two lovely older males, regulars to the store. The chocolate glided over the sponge, pairing with the peach china plate she had chosen in contrast.
"Keep sticking your tongue out like that and someone'll think you're trying to eat their order." Kory remarked leaning against the kitchen's counter with a bemused smirk. It was only when she didn't get a response, her smirk faulted . "Dessa? You hear me?" Again no response. Her eyes narrowed as she came to the conclusion that her friend was ignoring her. Just as Kory was about to hiss out a warning, Dessa's blonde streaks had fallen into her face revealing her favourite blue earrings. And no hearing aid. The younger girl's scowl turned into a look of worry. Dessa snapped out of her concentration when a hand placed itself onto her shoulder. Her eyes landed on Kory's and she smiled. She hadn't heard her come in. Kory's hand reached up to her ear and Dessa followed suit, raising her hand to her own ear. She fiddled with her earring before reaching to the dial on her hearing aid to turn it up again. She always turned it down when she was baking. When her finger made contact with bare skin she paled. She dropped to her knees and attempted to look under the counter to see where her hearing aid had fallen, but couldn't seem to find it. Kory looked under the ingredients on the table, leaving floury fingerprints everywhere. A waitress walked into the kitchen only to be met with the baker with her head in the cleaning bowl and her college covered in flour. The man blinked, taking the toffee crunch cake and backing out of the kitchen. He didn't get paid enough for this.

After searching through all the cabinets for the third time, Kory and Dessa collapsed into a heap on the tiled floor. It was only the slight vibrations of the others chest and the hand cupping her smile that let Dessa know that her friend was laughing. Catching the younger girl's eye, Kory tapped her temple and shrugged. Her soulmate had been singing in the shower and she could hear every word. Dessa smiled and giggled a little herself on her friend's behalf. Kory hadn't met her soulmate yet, but he had to be close if she could hear him. Dessa always encouraged her friend to go and find her true love, but Kory always refused.
"What if he doesn't like me?" She had asked Harley one Saturday morning. "Or what if he's...loud." Harley had snorted and pushed her sister away.
"I highly doubt that." Dessa had listened to the two bickering and carried on cleaning the china plates, a fond smile on her lips. She was of course excited for Kory, but couldn't help feeling a little left out. Everyone she knew had either found their soulmate or heard their thoughts in passing at least once. Not Dessa though. It's times like these she even questioned if she had a soulmate. Once again a hand was placed on her shoulder. Her fallen gaze brightened up when met with Kory's worried expression. They helped each other off the floor in a mess of giggles, huffs and limbs. With an awkward pat, Kory stalked out of the kitchen to take the orders of more lovestruck couples while Dessa began to clean up the mess they made.

The setting sun cast bright light through the parlor as Kory popped her head into the kitchen once more, catching Dessa's attention. She pointed to the café door and took off her lime green apron. Dessa nodded and signaled her a thumbs off before watching her leave. The purple, pink, orange and yellow sky painted the shop, making it seem almost magical.
'Almost romantic', Dessa thought, a sad smile on her lips. She and Kory had given up on finding her hearing aid, which was fine. She could pop to the doctors on her way back home and order a new one. It was the lack of hearing aid that made Dessa oblivious to the soft jingle of the bell, and the two figures walking into her café.

"She was here! I'm sure of it! My true love!" Blu exclaimed, leaping into the shop. "She was here earlier too! She told me she liked my singing! Oh it really is love!" The blonde confessed, twirling into the center of the room. His best friend, Weston, followed him into the parlor, looking around and appreciating the aesthetics of the place.
"And you still hear her?" They asked adjusting their glasses. Blu paused his dramatic antics, turning to look at them.
"No?" The sheepish look on his face made Weston swell with pity, not like they'd ever show it. They crossed their arms and looked pointedly at their friend.
"Consequently, Blu, she is no longer here." The taller man groaned and pouted, crossing his arms.
"You always spoil my fun."
"However, if your hypothesis of her being here was correct, there is a chance of her coming back, though the chance is infinitesimal-", Weston was cut off by an unexpected bear hug.
"You're a genius! Yes! Of course she will come back! We will come here tomorrow to await her return!" Blu bellowed. Weston patted his back, wondering how on earth they got stuck with this cretin as a best friend.
'What a moron...'

Dessa perked up in surprise. She looked around the kitchen in search of the wondering voice, and it's new angelic tones. There was no one there. God, is that you?
'If he doesn't let go of me soon I swear I will clatter him.' Dessa remembered she didn't have her hearing aid in and a wave of realisation washed over her. No. There's no way. She peaked her head into the front room, where her guests usually ate. A muscular man was rubbing his arm and looked to be whining while a leaner person glared at him. The sight of the second figure made Dessa's breath catch in her throat. Dark, sleek, black hair was neatly swept to the side, making their cyan eyes seem even brighter in contrast. They peered from behind thin reading glasses, that they went to adjust once more. They wore a crisp, white, button up shirt that was tucked into their black trousers. A black belt circled their waist and shiny black shoes tapped on the floor as they waited for their friend to stop whining.
"It's your own fault. You are fully aware that I do not appreciate hugs."
"Spoil sport." Blu caught sight of Dessa as she ducked her head into the kitchen again. "We should probably order something before we get kicked out. You fancy anything?"
"I am feeling quite parched. Though I'm not sure what exactly I feel like eating."
"That's fine. I'm heading to the bathroom though. Order me a cheesecake, yeah?" With that, Blu disappeared into the men's room. Weston went to go sit down, when they saw a glint from under the table. How odd. Curiosity got the best of them and they decided to investigate.

Once Weston was sitting down, Dessa had gotten to work. Listening to their preferences as they read the menu, she picked up a banana and oat bran muffin, fresh out the oven. She graced the top with a white chocolate drizzle and paired it with a bright red mug of black tea. Putting them on the tray next to the ready made vanilla cheesecake, she walked out of the kitchen and into the front room. Weston heard the clicking of heels signifying the waitress’ presence. They set down the menu.
"Hello. Yes, I'd like a-" It was only then they noticed the assortment of delicious food in front of them. This was...exactly what they wanted to order. How peculiar. The steam from the mug fogged up their glasses as they turned to look at the waitress. "I- thank you." The fog cleared to reveal Dessa's smiling face and Weston was instantly star struck. Her long blonde hair complimented her pale blue eyes and shone beautifully in the sunset's lighting. She had very defined dimples and lovely long eyelashes. She wore a purple summer dress under her bright pink apron. She was beautiful. "Ah-" Snapping out of their longing gaze, Weston reached into their shirt pocket and retrieved something small. "I found this under the table. I am correct to believe you claim lost and property items?" In their palm was Dessa's hearing aid. She lit up as bright as the sun when she took it from them.
'Thank you!' She squealed as Weston took a sip of their drink. It took a moment for them to register that she hadn't moved her mouth when she spoke. They spat out their tea.

Blu returned from the bathroom to find Weston apologising profusely as they wiped what looked like tea off of Dessa's apron. He chuckled.
"Well, what have I missed?"
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Comments (21)

SillySantaSausage
There isnt much that can be helped, because it is really good, maybe a bit more adjectives, like 'the chocolate glided' into 'the chocolate glided smootly'
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SillySantaSausage
You was the one who wrote the story, so dont thank me!
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sapphirethehedgehog
Hehe, true, was it obvious I was eating when writing it? XD
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on July 12
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on July 12
sapphirethehedgehog
Noted! Thank you!
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sapphirethehedgehog
I am now also hungry so thank you for that too XD
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on July 10
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on July 10
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on July 10
Jrenner
There are SO many things wrong with this. There's this and then there's this then that it's just plain horrible. Jk it's good. ๐Ÿ‘
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sapphirethehedgehog
XD thank you
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on July 09
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on July 09
Derpyderpjuice
I like it
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sapphirethehedgehog
Thank you :3
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on July 08
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on July 08
ThatAnimeGirl
Amy. You know imm be biased here.

YOUR WRITING IS AMAZING (no phone, not amazon) AND BEAUTIFUL AND GIRL YOU DONT NEED TO IMPROVE I PROMISE JUST KEEP AT IT.
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sapphirethehedgehog
THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
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ThatAnimeGirl
I LOVE YOU TOO
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on July 08
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on July 08
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on July 08
Firey_the_human
There's nothing wrong with your writing all of its good
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sapphirethehedgehog
Aw, thank you :3
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sapphirethehedgehog
Aha that’s totally fine dw x3
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on July 09
Firey_the_human
Oh how rude of me I didn't reply sorry but your welcome
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on July 09
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on July 08
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on July 08
Hikari_Chan
You write really well. You can use more complex words with more depth. You will find lovely synonyms in word hippo. Its really good website.
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sapphirethehedgehog
Amazing! Thank you so much!
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Hikari_Chan
No problem. Its my pleasure. โ™ก
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on July 08
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on July 08
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on July 08
Spider_fam
Have you ever heard of the Hemingway Editor App? (Don't download it, just look it up on google and copy and paste your work in.) It's pretty cool and it tells you what to improve on sort of
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sapphirethehedgehog
Aha, I actually used it to write this, it’s amazing! Thank you though
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on July 08
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on July 08