~Part One~When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it for a dollar.
I don't want to get out of bed because then I have to walk and I don't want to walk because walking makes me lose weight and I don't need to lose weight because I'm already skinny!
I drove your car into a wall, you say it was on purpose, I say... Ya it was!
Teacher: Stop talking in class! five minutes later.... Teacher: Can you answer please? Me: :3 Nope cause I cant talk in class.
My friend said the only vegetable that can make you cry is a onion so I threw a watermelon at her.
So I told my mom I was trying to lose weight so that I could get out of a week of eating her horrible cooking.
Born free, taxed to death.
My fake plants died, because I forgot to pretend to water them.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Having a two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.