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how can i make it up to him?
i know i probably sound weak and stuff but i almost feel like nobody cares about me i lost a friend from self harming and i don't know how to make it up to him it all started before i came out as transgender i had a crush on him and i told one of my friends and it became a huge rumour in my school and he asked me if i liked him and i said no and me and this girl were fighting over him and than i showed him the messages she send it me and than a couple of days after i sat next to him and he caught me self harming on bus i was sitting next to him making sure no one can see and i ended up cutting my arm and when he woke up he asked me what happened i told him i self harmed and how i feel like nobody cares about me and i was upset at the time about a breakup i went through and he said while thats not true there is a lot people that care about you he just made me feel for once in my life that i matter and i had a huge crush on him and than a couple days later i sat next to him on the bus my arm was healed up from the cutting and just remember this was before i came out as transgender before i even knew so his friend said to him i don't blame you for not wanting to go out with savannah and he asked why and his friend said back because she is ugly and he told me on the bus while i was sitting next to him and than well he looked away texting his friend i pulled out my razor cutting my arm and than he turned around and said what are you doing that he went off into a rage very angry with me and i said because your friend called me ugly so who cares what he thinks and i told him i was very sorry and than he said back no its my fault i should of not of told you and than he said if you really wanna stop just give me that razor or you can get rid of it yourself and than i said here you can take it i don't trust myself with it and than he took the razor from me and threw it out once he got off the bus than the next day i was getting bullied and ignored by my friends and i felt so upset when i got home i took another razor and i cut it my arm open and passed out for a couple of minutes teachers had to come get me and my friends were freaking out and when i came out of the washroom i saw that guy i had a crush on standing there and a bunch of people there too ever since than me and him stopped talking this happened months ago and 2 months ago the teacher had to call 911 because i dropped to the floor shaking and i could not breath and than my friend told me when i got on the bus that guy i liked told me to get better soon and than a couple of days later that girl who picked on me i punched her in the face and we fought i got beaten up in front of half the kids in my school and even before the fight we never really talked just after i try to commit suicide with razor i almost died and i regret the fight i regret how i try to commit suicide and self harming how can i fix and what i did to him i don't have a crush on him anymore and me and him used to been so close now its like he doesn't even know me anymore i feel ashamed i want our old friendship back i have not cut it myself ever since than i am really sorry i would do anything to take back what i have done and the mistakes? i am only 14 years old the last years of my life have been hell i just wanna have a happy life for once so can anyone help me to get him to forgive me i am really sorry and i wanna leave all the depressing stuff in my life my first friend i had died i get bullied and beaten up for being transgender i have been bullied all my life and abused by my mother bf since the age of 10 and my closest friend to me died of cancer last year i knew him since the age of 5 i don't wanna lose anymore i always been the odd one out almost like someone trapped in a bubble who never adapt